My Halloween Costume This Year? I'm Going as an Adult

I broke things off (yes, AGAIN) with Coach. Okay, we weren't officially dating again, so really, no need for an official breakup.  But I told him we can't talk right now.  Do I feel badly that this is happening right after J died?  Yes.  And I still love him.  But this is going nowhere.  And every time we see each other, I just get sucked in again.

I told him I would miss him terribly.  I will, as we talk for hours every day and we have great conversations.  I told him I loved him, as I do.  I told him, we need to be apart and to not come back until he's figured out what he wants.   I wish that things were different.  I wish that I didn't feel so much for him.  I wish that he was stronger.

Supposedly confession is good for the soul....

but this one is going to hurt someone and I am so sorry.  I truly am.

Let me go back in time first.  Coach's dog passed away last Sunday.  The man that I saw on Tuesday was a shell of himself.  He was so sad and so lost.  I held him and he sobbed in my arms.  I cried as well, as I had loved J and also, I can't stand to see a grow man cry.  But I also cried, because....gulp, I love Coach. 

I thought I didn't.  I thought that I was done.  And me saying that I love Coach doesn't mean that I think it will work....it just means that at the moment, I love Coach. Fine, I'm totally in love with him...but that doesn't mean that I think it will work. 

Since J's death, Coach has been on an emotional rollercoaster. He's definitely wanted to talk even more and he has even been calling more.  He also has wanted to spend more time together.  But those things are part of the grieving process, I think.  If they continue past a certain point, I will entertain the idea that these feelings are genuine and not tied to J's death.

But the original point of the confession is....I am still in love with Coach.

The Reports of Lawgirl's Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

No, Lawgirl is not dead.  She has just been very busy.  And yes, she will stop the annoying talk of herself in the third person right now.

Let's see....time for some Random Bullets of Crap (RBoC):

• I still love my job.  I adore my boss and I love most of my coworkers.  This week was very busy, though, as I was in the Cinci office Monday and Tuesday, then in my usual office on Wednesday, then here in Cleveland yesterday and today.  Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, I am very tired.  We had a great HR meeting yesterday and today.  We went to Sur La Table last night for our team-building activity and cooked a gourmet meal together.  It was a lot of fun.  I highly recommend it. 
  
• I came back to Cleveland Wednesday evening and that was very tough.  I have moved Wondercatt to another location, as she was spending too much time alone.  So, she is with friends and getting lots of attention until I can get us a place of our own.  I realized when I was pulling into my neighborhood that she would not be here. I was thrown back into a memory of when I first moved in to this apartment.  I was so excited to move in and be with NETboy. And I started to cry.  I could see it all, playing out in front of me, just like a movie.  I remember pulling up in the car, and unloading Wondercatt.  I remember the movers arriving. I remember NETboy moving in. I remember shopping together.  I had already thought ahead to the holidays and spending them together.  I wanted all of that.  <sigh>  I will be so very glad to leave this apartment and never come back to it.  It is the site of one of the biggest heartbreaks of my life. 
  
• I am still renting a car, which sucks. 
  
• Coach's dog passed away last Sunday.  It's terribly sad and he looks completely devastated.
  
• I have more updates to write, but I started this post about 3 hours ago and am going to bed. 
  

Just as You Have Bros Before Hos, We Have Chicks Before Dicks

A guy online last night seemed very kind, very funny, and quite interesting.  Well, at least until he kept pressuring me to meet him last night.  I had already told him that I would not meet him last night as I was with Wa-wa and I was not going out without her.  I had already made plans to meet him for coffee the next day. 

He kept pushing and pushing and pushing.  I finally said, look, obviously you are looking for something other than what I am. I am not just looking for sex, I am looking for a true connection.  And I haven't heard from him since.

Seriously guys, no means NO.  If a girl says not tonight, she means it.  And when you beg and plead, it just makes you look sad and ultimately, unattractive.

Poll------------>-----------and up

Okay, I've put up a poll here to find out what you guys would like to read more about - my childhood (which has funny but also horrible stories), my love life (er, same as childhood), news articles and my comments on them, or work.

Please vote!!! You will not reveal yourself by voting. I don't see anything but the actual vote.

Random Thoughts

~ You know what bothers me most about NETboy saying that if I had ever loved him, I wouldn't have asked for the $8000 back?  When a man and woman are engaged and then break up, the woman is expected to return the ring.  Why isn't it the same in this scenario???

~Coach has been the best sex I've ever had and I'm truly going to miss that.  We have amazing chemistry together....I just can't wait for him to man up and realize I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him.

~ I still love my new job. 

~ I feel like I failed with Fitzwilliam - maybe not completely - but I feel as though I gave up too early.  However, I will not allow him back into my life.  Not now, not ever.

Updates on Coach's dog

J is still hanging in there, but he has pneumonia now.  However, he did get up and urinate on his own, which is an extremely good sign.  Coach is pretty down.  I think that, as awful as losing J would be, he is mourning more than that.  He adopted J for one of his daughters when she was 10.  I think that he is mourning that life he had - even though he wanted out of the marriage - more than anything.  This daughter lives in NC and he missed her terribly.  So, I think that all of that is playing a part in this.

I have made it clear to Coach that I am there as his friend.  I have used that terminology over and over again.  The thing is, when someone asks you if you truly do love them and if you do want a relationship with them, you shouldn't have to hesitate to think about it....and he did.  So I'm moving on.  I'll support him through this thing with J....but after that, I'm not sure we can be friends. 

I love my friendship with Coach, don't get me wrong.  But he's hurt me so much with his indecisive nature that I think some distance would be good.

Mommie Dearest - continuation of Monday's entry

So, back to my mother...

Thanks to my fuck-ups with The Sergeant and NETboy, I have horrible credit (I went from a score of 720+ and dropped to below 600 thanks to the Harley I bought for The Sergeant as well as the money I used to support The Sergeant and NETboy).  I also have no savings.  I can't blame The Sergeant and NETboy for the whole shebang; I made the mistake of letting them into my life.  I made the mistake of not saving the money I received in severance.  I made the mistake of signing for the Harley.  I made the mistake of giving NETboy the $8000. 

I These mistakes lie on my conscience like a bully sitting on top of the nerd, punching away.  And egging on the bully?  My mother.  She can't not throw these mistakes up into my face.

I know that these mistakes have affected her.  While I was out of money in August (thanks again NETboy for bailing), she gave me money.  After my car blew up and I couldn't afford the rental anymore, she let me borrow her car.  And I have appreciated it.  I have told her every single day that I hate putting her into that position.

However, the worst part of it is the way she holds her generosity over my head.  She gives to me, because she loves me...and then she brings it up every single time we talk.  And I asked her to please stop doing that, as I've made it clear that I KNOW I've put her into a horrible position and that I KNOW my mistakes have affected her.  I already hate myself for the mistake I've made; now I have to put up with her reminding me of them as well - reminders that aren't necessary.

When I went to return her car and pick up a rental on Sunday, she immediately started in on me again.  She said, your life is so awful right now.  And then she offered to co-sign on a car loan for me....but I said no.  And she kept saying, don't be stupid, don't make more mistakes.  I said, very calmly and quietly, I can't live with you doing that, as I can't take these things being thrown up in my face again.

She sat still for a moment and then exploded.  She stormed out of the house and got into her car and left.  I didn't follow.  She came back in 10 minutes later and said, don't you ever talk like that to me again.  She went on and on about how awful I was, how disrespectful I was. 

When I didn't get upset and scream with her, she went down to her bedroom and slammed the door.  I'm not kidding.  My 75 year old mother went to her room and slammed her door. 

I went down to the spare room and started getting ready for bed.  She opens the door and comes in and tells me I've shattered her. She demands to know if I'm calling my sister to tattle on her.  I said, again calmly, no, I am getting ready for bed.  She slams the door and stalks off.

She comes back in and again yells and screams.  I answer calmly, which only irritates her more.  She slams the door and leaves again. 

I go out of the bedroom to find her in the dark in the living room, sobbing.  I say, maybe you should talk to someone.  She says, why???  Why do I have to talk to someone??  I said, it's not a punishment to go to therapy; you are reacting to something more than just me asking you to not say certain things.  She literally screams at the top of her lungs that she can act however she wants.

I again, calmly, say that she is overreacting and that she might benefit from talking with someone.  She refutes this.  I go back to the bedroom.  She comes down and tells me that she's not sure if she loves me anymore and that she may not ever see me again after tonight. 

I go back to the bedroom.  I come back out and tell her that I understand that when you're an abused person, you think that you only can have one emotion at a time. You think that if you are angry with someone, you can't love them too.  You think that it's black or white.  But it's not true, because I am angry with you but I still love you and tomorrow is another day.  She wouldn't tell me that she loved me and she refused to hug me.

I went to bed.  She went to bed.  She told me that she wouldn't be getting up with me when I went to leave for work in the morning.  I got up and she did end up getting up.  She told me that she was still hurt and that no, she would not kiss or hug me goodbye and that she still wasn't sure she would love me. I told her that if something happened to me that day, she would regret her actions, as you should never let someone leave like that.

I left.  She didn't watch me leave and wave goodbye, as she always does.  And at that point, I knew things would never be the same,  I knew that I would never look at her the same way, even if we did heal.  The subtle shifting we've been doing for years - me becoming more parental and her becoming more childlike - is finished.

Well, the first day, Monday, on the phone, she told me that now she knew what it was like to be abused.  Tuesday was slightly better.  My sister called and said, you know, Mom loves you.  I said, that's great.   Mom called me and said, Wondercatt bit me and drew blood.  Inwardly, I grinned.  She had the nerve to ask me if I thought she should get a tetanus shot.  I've only had Wondercatt for 13 years and been bitten many times and been fine, but sure, go for that tetanus shot.  While you're there, get a rabies shot.

Now she's acting like nothing has ever happened.  But I can't erase it.  I don't hate her right now.  But I don't like her that much either.  However, she is still my mother. 

Update on Coach's dog

Today, they took J in and removed his spleen.  Turns out he was bleeding internally.  Unfortunately, they also found cancer in his liver.  Please say some prayers for him.  Coach is going to have to make some tough decisions in the next couple of days.

Coach im'd me and thanked me again for all of my help.  He said that I saved his dog's life.  Ummmm, yeah.  Okay.  And YOU wanted to rescue ME????  You needed me to tell you to take your sick dog to the vet!!!

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole

~ Roger Caras

Coach and I got into it last night.  He wanted to complain about how I had rejected his help Friday night and how that made him feel. Again.  Again.  Again.  And while I finally say, yes, I can see how you felt that way and I apologize, it's not enough.  He continues to go on about that.  Which, of course, is him just trying to deflect my attention from the issue I've already brought up - the whole declaring the feelings and then taking them back.  So, we went round and round.  It's over and I know it.  I need to move on. He's not ready now for a relationship and he may never be.  And I'm tired of waiting.

Tonight, he im'd me while I was at dinner, absolutely frantic.  His 13 year old Lab was alternately throwing up and listless.  Coach was crying, scared to death he was losing him.  I said, please take him to the vet right now (he was going to wait until tomorrow).  I even offered to go up and go with them or to meet them at OSU if that became necessary.  He said he would go on his own. 

So he did and J is on antibiotics and an IV.  He has a temp and was dehydrated.  However, he seems to be holding his own and the prognosis is better than expected.  I hope he recovers, because he really is a great dog and Coach would be lost without him.  Coach has thanked me profusely for helping him to make the decision.

Interesting that he came to me when he was upset.  And of course, a tiny small portion of me says, hmmm, should I throw it up to HIM that he didn't let me rescue HIM???  No, I won't.  But it is ironic.

There are parts of this article I could have written about Coach

You Asked..."Why Won't He Commit?"

Experts and readers answer our members' toughest dating and relationship questions

By Diana Kirschner, Ph.D.; Caroline Presno, Ed.D., P.C.C., and Chelsea Summers Updated: Oct 16, 2007

"I've been in an on-again, off-again relationship with a man for 3+ years. He had been married for 20+ years. I was close friends with him for three years before that. After his separation, we decided to start dating. He was very upfront with me about his desire to date around a bit because he had not been 'out there' for some time and wants to see what he's been missing. We agreed to be nonexclusive (although I've never liked the idea much). I felt he deserved and needed it.

 

"Over the last three years, we have taken a couple of short (about a week in length) 'breaks' to step back and reassess our situation. One of us always calls the other and we end up getting back in our 'comfort zone.' We have a great time together, are still great friends, laugh a lot, the sex is great and we do not fight at all. We seem to be extremely compatible.

"The problem is, he says he loves me but feels he is not 'madly in love' with me like he feels he should be after all this time. He doesn't open up to me and has his walls up (I believe to protect himself from being hurt and intimate with someone again). He's still in the midst of a nasty divorce and custody situation. The problem for me is that I keep getting my feelings hurt, and although I am normally a strong, independent, happy-go-lucky, non-needy person, I find myself being a little needy and pathetic. My question: Should I kick this guy to the curb like I would have done in the past, or give him more time to get where he needs to be? I hate to walk away from someone I am in love with and totally think I could have something much more substantial with." -- Robin P., 42, Canoga Park, California

 

Diana Kirschner Answers

Dear Robin -- It sounds like this man is still "married." You've been flexible, open and available while he has not. Because of the bitter custody/divorce situation, his mind is fixed on his wife and kids. And he has had no push to get beyond this and really look at what he has with you.

If you are serious about wanting fulfilling love, the most powerful thing you can do is what I call the fear-of-loss.

Tell your boyfriend that you want the whole enchilada

Tell your boyfriend that you want the whole enchilada and will end the relationship if he does not step up. If he does not respond, follow through and let him know that you will be dating other men. Then be strong and do it. Look around and find three guys to date casually (hold off on sex because it bonds you too quickly).

Losing you will open up his appreciation and longing for you. It will propel him to choose you without reservations, if that is what he desires in his heart of hearts. If he does not, you will be ahead, because you will be out in the dating world. And there are great guys who are baggage-free and available!

Wishing you all the best.

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a psychologist and author of " Opening Love's Door" and the forthcoming book, "Love in 90 Days" (Center Street). Subscribe to her free newsletter Love E-tips at openinglovesdoor.com

Caroline Presno Answers

Hello Robin -- I know it's hard to walk away from someone you love, but it's time to start thinking about walking toward something better. You deserve a man who loves you just as passionately as you love him. When you find it, you will see that reciprocated love is so much more deep and fulfilling than one-sided love.

It seems like he is the one who is getting the most out of this relationship. He gets to date around whenever he wants and then he gets your love, support and comfort. And you end up feeling hurt and confused.

Take some time to self-reflect about the things that are keeping you in this relationship.

Take some time to self-reflect about the things that are keeping you in this relationship. You mentioned that you and he are stuck in the "comfort zone." Could it be fear that is keeping you in this relationship? Are you worried about getting out there and meeting new people again and starting over with someone new? Remember, the best decisions we make come out of courage rather than fear.

If you decide to move on, you need to make it stick. It's not a good idea to stay "just friends" with him, because he will most likely pull you back in. If you decide to continue the relationship with him, make sure that he is not the only one who gets to be "nonexclusive." You need the chance to date other people.

Caroline Presno, Ed.D., P.C.C., the "Date Doctor," is a psychotherapist and author of " Profiling Your Date: A Smart Woman's Guide to Evaluating a Man." Look for her online at ProfilingYourDate.com.

Chelsea Summers Answers

Dear Robin -- That's quite the conundrum. To be honest, I know the feeling, having myself been in a three-plus-year relationship with a commitment-phobe man whom I love deeply. It's not easy to give up on companionship, great sex and deep love served with a side dish of hope that it will lead to lasting commitment. I feel your pain.

I have to say that your case is a bit different than mine, as your man is still going through a very nasty divorce. The freshness of those kinds of wounds would very logically scare a person, if not make it downright impossible for him to separate his fears from his lovely reality. It's just an awful lot to contend with on the inside. I don't hardly wonder why his walls have yet to come tumbling down.

My advice to you is to be open and honest with him about what you want.

My advice to you is to be open and honest with him about what you want. If he can't give it to you immediately, reassess whether you're getting enough of what you want to make hanging in there worth it to you. In the words of the immortal Rolling Stones, "you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you may just get what you need." You may have to settle for need.

On the other hand, if after checking in with your interior self, you honestly know that neither your needs nor your wants are being met, then it is indeed time to take care of yourself and, for lack of a better expression, kick him to the curb.

Chelsea Summers writes about relationships and sex because she has a lot of experience with both. She uses a pseudonym to protect the identities of parties about whom she writes who are far less innocent than she. You can read more of her work at chelseasummers.com.

“Fathers and sons are much more considerate of one another than mothers and daughters.”

~ Friedrich Nietzsche

For a long time, I've needed to write about my mother.  Maybe if I can get some of the poison out of my system,  I can heal again.

I have often said that abuse finds abuse.  If you have been abused, you recognize that in others.   Something that is intangible to most others, but easily seen by those of us who have been abused.  And many times, abuse marries abuse and they have children and continue abuse.

My mother came from an abusive background.  Her father was an alcoholic who regularly beat his wife and kids.  Her mother stayed with him because in those days, you had nowhere else to go.  So, she watched her mother put up with a philandering drunkard who paraded his women right in front of all.  They never had any money, as he would spend it at the bars.

My father came from a slightly better family, though one with its own history of abuse. My grandmother wanted a girl so badly that when she had her 3rd and final child, a boy, she dressed him in girls' clothing. Yeah, he's never been able to have a lasting relationship.

The story goes that my father saw my mother's picture and wrote a letter to her and asked her out.  And so they began dating, across states actually, as he was already in the service.  They married and moved to England, and my older sister was born there while my father served there during Korea. 

During their marriage, my father had many affairs and also raped my sisters and me.  He may have raped my brothers as well, but they have not been willing to discuss anything and my sisters and I don't try anymore.  We also know that he raped my sister's two oldest kids (and the one is my nephew who committed suicide 3 months after my father passed away).

Each of us thought we were the only ones, or the last ones.  None of us knew about the others until it was much too late to save anyone, though we still beat ourselves up about it.  Over time, I went to therapy and healed up as much as possible, while never being able to discuss this issue with either of my parents.  Throughout all of this, it was clear to us that my mother would always choose our father over us.

I could understand the psychology behind it; my father was most likely molested himself (80% of men will repeat within a year).  My mother had been raped herself and also had watched her mother accept her lot in life.  I knew that they had done as well as they could, with what they knew.  On the upside, they had never allowed a drop of alcohol into our house.  That, unfortunately, didn't stop either of my brothers from being alcoholics, though they are both recovered now.

All of this time, my family has kept up a charade, solely for my mother, that my father was this wonderful, decent man.  He was not.  He even hit on my sister-in-law right after she and my brother were married.  But by the time any of us started comparing notes, both of my parents were on disability; my father had a heart attack and a stroke when I was 18 and he seemed to really change.  He seemed to be a better person.

Since my father's death, my mother has grown increasingly embittered and despondent.  Part of it is her age.  As a person gets older, their world shrinks down and the things that might have been blown off before are suddenly under the microscope. 

Of course, the longer my father has been gone, the more my mother has built him up in her mind to be the end-all, be-all of husbands and fathers.  And it sickens me every time I think of it.  As time goes on and she becomes more and more surly toward us, I think, why am I sacrificing for her when she didn't for me?  How could she have not protected us? 

And so the more that she points out my flaws and the more that she rides my ass about everything, the harder it is to keep my mouth shut.  Lately, I've been feeling so angry and bitter toward her, I find myself actually thinking that I hate her.

To be continued...

A feeling of dissatisfaction that results when your expectations are not realized

~ Definition of Disappointment

I am so disappointed in Coach.  I have only received one very quick, short communication from him since Saturday and it was very general.  No promise of discussing what happened Friday.  No acknowledgment of anything.  I know that not everyone works on my timeline.  But sheesh, at least say something.  Or say that there's nothing left to be said.

Hmmm, who could this be?

Venus in Taurus Applied to Lawgirl's Natural Mate

When Lawgirl was born, the "Goddess of Love" was in Taurus the Bull...proverbially, the most stubborn of the twelve signs. So, does Lawgirl have a thing for rigid, dogmatic people? The real point here is that Lawgirl responds in a viscerally romantic way to people who take PROMISES very "stubbornly" indeed...individuals who radiate a kind of down-to-earth determination to "hang in there" in sane, stable relationships. Even though they're ready and willing to do their part of the necessary work, they have little patience for "unnecessary" psychological complications or emotional self-indulgence. The natural lover is a sensual, physical creature who knows exactly when and how simply to touch Lawgirl, a stroke of the hair, taking the hand--and who expects the same. Part of the magic of such a relationship certainly lies in its deep exploration of the simple, ancient COMFORTS of ongoing love. Naturally, sex is part of that, but what we're getting at here is more broadly based: The gentle ease of familiarity; the unpretentious freedom from "posturing" it produces; the deep body-knowledge that lets two sleepy lovers choose the same moment at 4:01 AM to roll over and sleep on their other sides--the ancient animal-wisdom no human words can ever capture.

Communication Moratorium Complete

I am now talking again.  Contact at will.  But I do have to teach today and tomorrow, so don't be surprised if I don't answer right away. 

Oh, and my mother and I got into it last night.  Big time.  And she behaved like a 5 year old.  Wonderful.

To Fitzwilliam (and a couple of others)

My Give A Damn's Busted - Jo Dee Messina (at least, recorded by)

http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/My-Give-a-Damn's-Busted-lyrics-Jo-Dee-Messina/F5E36397FBBFB7A748256F8E0014F9E8

Well you filled up my head
With so many lies,
Twisted my heart
'Til something snapped inside
I'd like to give it one more try
But my give a damn's busted

You can crawl back home
Say you were wrong
Stand out in the yard
And cry all night long
Go ahead and water the lawn
My give a damn's busted


(chorus)
I really wanna care
I wanna feel somethin'
Let me dig a little deeper
No, sorry...nothing


You can say you've got issues
You can say you're a victim
It's all your parents fault,I mean
After all, you didn't pick 'em
Maybe somebody else has got time to listen
My give a damn's busted

Well your therapist says
It was all a mistake
A product of the Prozac
And your codependent ways
So, who's your enabler these days
My give a damn's busted


(chorus)
I really wanna care
I wanna feel something
Let me dig a little deeper
No, still nothing


It's a desperate situation
No tellin' what you'll do
If I don't forgive you
You say your life is through
C'mon, give me something I can use
My give a damn's busted
Well...

(chorus)
I really wanna care
I wanna feel something
Let me dig a little deeper
No, man...sorry

Just nothing.......no

You've really done it this time..ha ha

My give a damn's busted

Interesting Article

Farewell, Friend

By Emily Battaglia, LifeScript Staff Writer

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Breaking up with a friend is a lot like breaking up with a boyfriend – it's painful to leave behind a life together filled with great memories. But all relationships sometimes run their course, and friendships aren't always forever. If you're finding that it's time to let go of a fading friendship, learn how to gently cut the cord with these tips. Plus: Do you fight fair?

 

"Life is partly what we make it, and partly what is made by the friends whom we choose." -Tehyi Hsieh

 

Great friendships may be few and far between, but if you're lucky enough to cultivate one, you are truly blessed. However, just as nothing is guaranteed in life, a long-lasting friendship isn't either. With life's ups and downs and each individual constantly growing and changing, friendships often take a course unanticipated.

 

The bottom line is that while ideally we would like to believe that our friendships will always remain as strong as they've been over the years, you will inevitably have to end a few friendships throughout your life.

Ending a friendship may be difficult, but it will be more difficult in the long run if your friendship becomes counter-productive.

 

It is OK to end a friendship if it's not contributing anything positive to your life or if they're simply toxic to your well-being.

 

Before deciding on whether you truly want to end a friendship, you should first ask yourself some questions:

- Are we just going through a rough patch, like friendships sometimes do?

- Is there a justifiable reason why your friend has started acting the way he or she has?

- Are you willing or able to forgive your friend if the situation was one where you got hurt?

- Does he or she even know how you feel? Does he or she deserve to know?

- Am I compromising my integrity or safety by keeping the friendship?

- Is the basis of our friendship contradictory to what I believe friendship to be?

By asking yourself these questions, you might decide that the friendship is simply not worth saving.

Now you have a few options for severing the ties. How you choose to do it is dependant on the circumstances and what kind of friendship you had.

 

Talk

If you choose to talk to your friend about what is going on or why you don't think you should remain friends, the key is to be honest without being hurtful, accusatory or condescending.

Be truthful but tactful. Let them know exactly why you feel the way you do and give them a chance to respond.

You might discover that your friend is unaware of how you're feeling. But also be prepared that your friend might become defensive, making excuses and unwilling to be civil.

The bottom line is to be considerate of their feelings, while, if appropriate, honoring what you had before.

 

Give It Time

If you've had a squabble that you don't believe to be repairable, you might choose to give it time before completely cutting your friend out of your life.

Sometimes you need a moment to cool down, especially if you plan on talking it out. This will help diffuse any kind of talk that might involve yelling, pointing fingers or hurtful words.

Giving it time also allows for putting the situation into perspective.  You may end up realizing that the situation was petty or a misunderstanding, and find a renewed faith in the importance of your friendship.

You may also choose to not end it, but simply limit contact.

There's nothing wrong with downgrading a friendship to a phone call every so often if you truly care and want to stay in touch with your friend.

Just make sure they are on the same page as you.

 

Be Busy

If you're too hurt or fed up and don't think that telling your friend why you're severing ties will be beneficial or necessary, then you can choose to avoid him or her all together.

If he or she calls you or stops by and asks you if you want to hang out, you can tell him or her that you have prior plans.

If they continue to ask, you'll have to say that you are busy and just can't make any commitments.

Avoidance may seem a bit harsh and insensitive, but your friend will probably get the hint.

 

At this point, you might be asked for an explanation, and then you'll have to decide if you want to give one.

If you're lucky, sometimes friendships just run their course because both of you feel the same way.

Ending a friendship will be painful for awhile. You'll relive all of your memories and you might end up questioning whether or not the decision was the right one.

But just remember that a friendship is meant to enhance your life, not complicate it! It's OK to have outgrown each other.

A healthy friendship involves trust, loyalty, support, and a mutual interest in each other's well-being.

So as an old Nigerian proverb goes, "Hold a true friend with both your hands."

Where are all the good men dead, in the heart or in the head?

~ Unknown (at least I couldn't find it beyond it being in Grosse Pointe Blank)

Last Thursday (over a week ago), Coach started declaring his feelings for me again.  He said that he couldn't stay away from me, that he looked forward to our conversations, that he tingled whenever he spied a message from me.  He said that he couldn't stop thinking about me.  And I took all of this in stride, figuring that he would do this for a day or so and then back off. 

But he didn't; he kept it up for a week.  He even went so far as to ask where I thought we would be in two years.  I said, where do you want to be?  He said, with you.  And he said, if we get to the point where I ask you to wear a certain dress, I don't want you to wear white, I want you to wear pink, because you're so beautiful in pink.

Ooookay.  And I was impressed, as he kept this up for a week. And in some ways, he still is keeping it up. It's still hard for us to squeeze in time together, between my traveling and his coaching/teaching schedule.  We managed to see each other Tuesday night and then he was going to come up after his game on Friday. 

However, as Friday drew closer, he was starting to feel sick.  Yes, he's out in the damp and all with the kids, practicing, so I am sure he is telling the truth.  It just kind of sucked, but I said, hey, I get it, stay home. 

Last night, Fitzwilliam emailed me and asked me to go with him to watch the game.  I said, okay, having nothing else going on.  So, I went to pick him up at 7ish (game started at 7:10).

I arrive and of course, he is not ready and I have to go upstairs.  I hate this.  Seriously, he could have said, um, not going to be ready until later.  I could have done laundry, responded to email, slept...nope, he wanted me to come early.  And now I'm pissed, because he isn't ready.

And what is he doing?  IM'ng with other girls.  And this is fine, except that I'm waiting so that we can go and maybe get some decent seats at a local bar.  He starts playing some porn on his computer.  I say, please turn that off.  He doesn't understand why I don't want to watch it with him.  I am thisclose to just leaving and he starts telling me more sad tales about his life.  And yes, my heartstrings are tugged and I stay.

What time do we finally leave his place???  8:45 pm.  Yes, he managed to keep me in his apartment for nearly 2 hours, trying to get me to admit that I was attracted to him.  Yes, that argument again.

We leave and head to Detroit St, Ave, whatever it is.  We've been there before.  I say, should I park at the Y again?  He says yes.  Keep that in mind for later, please.

So, we park the car and walk to the bar.  All of this time, we're bickering, which is our usual style.  So we walk into the bar and guess what??  It's crowded and there isn't a single place to sit.  What a big shock!!  We leave and go to another bar.

This one has an older crowd - it's not pretending to cater to the college crowd.  However, it's reasonably clean and there is a chair on which I can sit at the bar.  I sit down, Fitzwilliam stands next to me, and we order up.  I get a diet soda and he gets a pitcher of beer.  At this point, I start looking for my phone and can't find it.  I ask him to save my seat and say that I'm going to walk back to the car and look for it.

In his ONLY nice move of the night, he offers to go look for it instead.  So I wait for him to get back and yes, he's found it.  I thank him and we continue to watch the game and I play the video game that's on end of the bar.  Trivia and whatnot. 

The entire time, of course, he's trying to get me to "admit" that I do want him, that Coach is not good for me (and on some levels, he may be right), and that destiny is all that matters (in other words, if you don't immediately agree on everything in the world, there is no point in going any further in a relationship.)  I respond back evenly most of the time. We laugh.  We joke, although I'm still pissed that he wasted so much of time earlier.

He is now on his second pitcher of beer (and since I don't drink it, yes, he's drinking it all on his own.)  He is starting to get on my nerves.  Says he doesn't care whether or not he lives or dies.  Indians lose.  I say, are we staying or going?  He says, well, I still have half of a pitcher left. 

He then decides that the best thing he can do at that moment to try and impress me is to tip my barstool up.  What he failed to realize is that my feet were on the bar itself, not underneath me at all.  And so yes, Lawgirl is soon sprawled on the floor of this bar, having hit her left hip hard as well as her head. 

Fitzwilliam, though laughing, helps me up.  Everyone is staring.  Anyone who knows me knows I hate Hate HATE being the center of attention like that.  I'm mortified and he isn't saying the right thing.  So I look at him, say, I'm done, and leave. 

Does he follow???  Nooooooooooooooo.  By now, Coach has IM'd me, asking how my night was going.  He knew I was going to go watch the game with Fitzwilliam. I growl back that the night is full of shit.  I reach the car and Fitzwilliam texts me with, I can't believe you left me!!!

I reach the car and there is now a huge problem:  The parking lot is locked.  No way to get out.  I am now in tears, from pain, humiliation, and frustration.  I text Fitzwilliam that he needs to come help me.  He says, have a good life.  Yup, he said it.  I saved the text if you don't believe me.

I drive around the parking lot, trying to find out if there is another exit.  At this point, I would even go over grass, but it's all fenced in.  I notice that there is a tow-away number, so I call them.  At first they say, well, we really can't do anything.  Then, my guess is that they realized that they had locked it a little early (it wasn't QUITE midnight) and so they sent someone out. 

This entire time I have Fitzwilliam telling me how awful I am for leaving him and that it was just an accident.  I also have Coach IM'ng me and saying that I must like adventure.  Wrong thing to say.  Then he says, don't take your bad mood out on me. 

Ummm, yeah, it wasn't just a bad mood.  I was absolutely destroyed.  Then Coach starts saying, well, what can I do to help?  Ummm, be a real boyfriend?  No, I say, you're not close by, you can't help.  I tell Fitzwilliam that his $4 pitcher of beer is far too important for him to come after me, so he should stay where he is. 

The gates are opened and I'm free...and lost.  I have no idea where any of this is and I'm all turned around.  It takes me 45 minutes to find a highway.  By now, I am completely distraught. 

I make it home and Coach is offline.  I don't hear from Fitzwilliam again.  Today, I am in horrible pain from my hip.  In addition, Coach is mad because I wasn't in a great mood last night and didn't listen to his story about his game. 

Jesus Fucking Christ, how do I keep ending up with the most selfish men in the world?  I swear to God, I am becoming selfish myself.  Apparently, if I become selfish, that will make unselfish men fall for me.  Or something like that. 

So, I try to talk to Coach, which admittedly was a bad idea, as the OSU game was on.  Finally I said, watch the game, I'll talk to you later.  I send him an email, which tells him how much I adore him, how great some things in our relationship are.  Then I say, here are some things that concern me.  Of course, he hasn't responded yet.  After all, OSU played and now the Tribe is playing.

Oh, and I said, why is it so hard for us to get together on weekends?  He said, well, those are my days off....okay, so then I guess I am part of your work week and that makes me feel great.  He couldn't understand why that bothered me. 

Seriously, if I didn't think it would be even more horrible to date women (and if I didn't like to drive stickshift so much), I would consider it.  Or maybe I should just stop dating altogether.  I just end up bitter and alone each time.

Everyone Hates Lawgirl...

or at least that's how it feels.

Actually, it's funny, because just last night I was thinking, hmmm, what is it about this week that has made old flames resurface?  Several have, just out of the blue.  And none that were wanted.

But tonight, it feels like it's flipped.  I am done.  I am done done done done done.  And furthermore, I'm done. 

In short, I am never speaking to Fitzwilliam again.  And Coach may not be that far behind. 

I am taking a Lawgirl weekend.  Translation:  don't want to talk, please don't call, don't email, don't IM.  I vant to be left alone.

I may write more later, but please keep it to yourselves for the rest of the weekend.  I can't take one more thing right now.

I wish I had a Pensieve Part 1

For those of you not learned in Harry Potter folklore:

A Pensieve is a stone receptacle in which to store memories. Covered in mystic runes, it contains a type of matter that is described as neither liquid nor gas. A witch or wizard can extract their own memories or someone else's and store them in the Pensieve and review them later. It also relieves the mind when it becomes cluttered with information. Anyone can examine the memories in the Pensieve, which also allows viewers to fully immerse themselves in the memories stored within, much like a magical form of virtual reality. Tom Riddle's diary seems to have this same form of virtual reality. Oddly, users of these devices view the memories from a third person view, providing a near- omniscient perspective of the events preserved. This of course, raises questions of how they are able to see things beyond what they have remembered. Rowling answered this question in an interview, confirming that memories in the pensieve allow one to view details of things that happened even if they did not notice or remember them, and stated that "that's the magic of the Pensieve, what brings it alive" [2].

Anyway, back to last Friday night. First of all, I was in a piss-ass mood, because of the whole paycheck incident. My first check from The Law Firm was a live check, because they have to do a test run before they start direct deposit. Well, they sent it to the Columbus location, as that is where I will be working. However, last week I was in the Cleveland office all week. So, COL sent the check to CLE....except that it never arrived. By Friday, I was incredibly tense (we get paid on Thursdays). I haven't had a paycheck since August 12; I've been borrowing from my mother and paying the price on that (more on that later).

My wonderful boss convinced Accounting and Payroll to stop payment on my original checkout and then issue me a new check. So, at 5pm on Friday, I was finally paid. However, my bank was suspicious of the check (and it didn't look like a normal payroll check) and would not cash it. There's more to that story, but I'll get there later. I took the check to a check cashing place and they wouldn't cash it either.

At this point, I had a check for a certain amount of money, but was still poor. WTF??? I went back out to my mom's car, which I've been using for a few weeks now, and sobbed. I am sure that the people around me thought I was about ready to go postal. I finally gathered myself back together and I went to the check cashing place across the street. For whatever reason, they didn't look at it twice and were able to cash it right away. So, the night was starting to get better.

Fitzwilliam and I had plans to go out. I was to pick him up at 9ish. I finally got to his place at 9:30. Now, he has had 4 hours to get ready.....is he ready??? Nooooo. You see, I really didn't want to go up to his apartment. I knew that he would push things. Fitzwilliam has an efficiency apartment and only has a bed in it. See, he gets a girl up to his apartment and half of the battle is over!! So, he made me park and come up to the apartment. He said he wasn't ready. I said, you're wearing a sleeveless tee and shorts; you wear the same every time.

So, for an hour, he harangued me about my decision to not sleep with him. He went on and on and on about how I was the only woman who didn't find him attractive. And I said, here is the fact - I never said that you weren't handsome, I said I wouldn't date you. And we went over and over and over and over and over it. For an hour. Finally, we left and went to the warehouse district of Cleveland.

First of all, let me again say that I am not by nature any sort of drinker. And, I certainly don't go to clubs. But, I let Fitzwilliam drag me out there. And so we went. One bar, two bars, three bars, back to the first bar. I realize that I am at least 13 years older than everyone in this bar. I feel out of place. I figured, well, I can have a drink. I had a rough day. I haven't had anything to drink in 4 years. I can do this.

One drink...two drinks....three drinks....four drinks. Bouncer at bar #2 hits on me - he's all of 21 and fresh out of the Army. Now I want to stop, but the guy hitting on me insists on buying me one. And my mother raised me to be polite. So, five drinks. I don't feel so well anymore. For the most part while we've been out, Fitzwilliam as been by my side. Of course, when the bouncer was hitting on em, he rubbed up against me inappropriately.

However, now, I'm not feeling well, and he is off somewhere. He wanted to go upstairs or downstairs, depending on the bar, and I wanted to stay put, so I told him to go. I text him that I need to leave. He comes down and sheepishly asks if we can stay, so that he can continue to chat with this girl. I said, fine, but in a half hour, I'm out of there.

I take myself out to the car and try to feel better by breathing in the fresh air. During the entire evening, Coach has been texting me, making sure that I'm okay. He is terribly worried about me being drunk and with Fitzwilliam. Fitzwilliam is pissed that I'm talking with Coach. Egos, oy.

Fitzwilliam comes out to the car and immediately starts in again about how I shouldn't be with Coach, because Coach can't give me what I want - which is a commitment. I gently explain that life is not black and white; people can change their minds We have this discussion the whoooole way home.

I drop him off, not offering to come upstairs. And so begins my night of drunken hell. Oy!!! To be continued

This is going to ramble....

but it's all of the shit I just need to get out of my head. It is not intended to hurt, maim, destroy, upset or anything like that.  It's just a stream of consciousness.

I really love my new job.  I love most of the people and I love what I'm doing.  It's very exciting to be part of the team who is rebuilding the training department.  Being in a new position with new co-workers after 12 years is not without its stresses.  I am also quite used to people taking to me right away, and there are a couple of folks who have not.  I know, it's silly; everyone moves on their own time frame.  It's just frustrating.

Things with Coach....we can have these wonderful, amazing times together..and then he feels vulnerable and has to clam up for a day or so.  We normally talk about 8 hours a day, when all is said and done.  I know, it sounds obsessive, but really, we just chat about our days and other things like that.  And it's all online; neither of us are great phone-talkers.  Well, of course, he's in backoff mode right now.  I broke things off for this reason.  He would confess his feelings, then back off, rinse and repeat.  If he could just say, this is how I feel and then not try to take it back, I would be completely happen.

Of course, I know that Coach will not do this.  And staying around him when I know this just makes it harder.  But we do have such an amazing friendship on top of the other thing, it's hard to just shove him out of my life.  I love that he is mature in that when we argue, we don't drop down to a childish level and we don't throw these things up into each other's faces.  In fact, I think it's a safe bet to say that in many ways, I love this man.

But as with everything, there are always downsides.  One big one is that I asked him if he and his wife had considered couples counseling before they divorced.  He said, no, she wanted to, but I refused; I didn't want someone else to tell me how to think.  That's a bad sign.  Like I said, there are so many great things about him, but as with everyone, there are some issues. 

He was very sweet in that he stayed up with me late last Friday night while I was out with Fitzwilliam.  He was worried to death about me and stayed in constant contact with me via text until I was home.  But then again, here he is, in Backoff Mode,and I hate that. 

More ramblings later  Going to bed.

Sinking slowly

Sorry that there haven't been any updates.  I have lots to say, but no energy to organize.

Sinking into some depression.  Feeling abandoned by all - but then I think, by whom?  Remember my favorite saying of don't make someone your priority when you are only their option?  In reality, I am no one's priority.  Everyone has someone else who is more important to them than me, which is normal. I just wish that there was someone who could make me their priority. 

So yes, feeling abandoned when I am in need, but know it's silly.  And no one can give me the relief I need.  Because the one person who is my priority can't make me his. 

Will write more when I have the energy.  Still feeling sick from Friday, although I know it's not the alcohol at this point.  Hoping that it's not something that will take 9 months to fix.  Ugh.

And yes, I'm still among the living

Hi all.  Well, the weekend was pretty crappy. Since I almost never drink, I forgot a key thing about it:  water.  I was in bed most of the weekend because I was severely dehydrated.  And this morning, I still felt like crap and I had to teach.

So, I have updates, but I am sooooo tired.  Coach just left - yes, you read it correctly, Coach just left, and I need to get some sleep.  I will update more tomorrow.  :-)

Love to all.