Saturday, June 30, 2007

Lawgirl Movie Review

I loooove scary movies, so I rented Black Christmas.  The plot is a little confusing, so I had to read some of it on Wikipedia.  In any case, don't bother.  It's by the same people who did Final Destination, which is a great movie (the 2nd one is the best), but in now way matches the caliber of that film. 

It was good for one thing - watching Lacey Chabert get offed.  Offed, you perverts, not off.  I don't loathe her as much as I loathe Jennifer Love Hewitt, but she is in my top ten of worst actresses. 

Oliver Hudson is in this movie as well.  He has Peter Gallagher Syndrome - really attractive guy with no acting talent.

The ending was not a surprise, as there had to be more than one killer, considering the killings started before the lunatic broke out of prison.  

BTW, there were two areas setting off fireworks tonight and Wondermutt thinks that it's thunder, so he's hiding behind the couch.  So much for someone to clench during the scary scenes.

One of my favorite songs....

Extraordinary by Liz Phair

"Extraordinary"

You think that I go home at night
Take off my clothes, turn out the lights
But I burn letters that I write
To you, to make you love me

Yeah, I drive naked through the park
And run the stop sign in the dark
Stand in the street, yell out my heart
To make, to make you love me

I am extraordinary, if you'd ever get to know me
I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary
Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess
Average every day sane psycho

You may not believe in me
But I believe in you
So I still take the trash out
Does that make me too normal for you?

So dig a little deeper, cause
You still don't get it yet
See me lickin' my lips, need a primitive fix
And I'll make, I'll make you love me

I am extraordinary, if you'd ever get to know me
I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary
Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess
Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess

See me jump through hoops for you
You stand there watching me performing
What exactly do you do?
Have you ever thought it's you that's boring?
Who the hell are you?

I am extraordinary, if you'd ever get to know me
I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary
Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess
Average every day sane psycho

Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess
Average every day sane psycho

Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess
Average every day sane psycho

Average every day sane psycho

Lawgirl's thoughts on....

Princess Diana

NETboy is out of town this weekend (which is good, as we're squabbling), so I'm indulging in a small movie fest.  I am starting off with The Queen.  I have been looking forward to seeing this movie since it came out, but just have not been going to the theater.  It's on PPV, so I'm watching it now.

My mother and I both loved Diana.  I didn't get to watch the royal wedding on the day it occurred, but I watched replays of it and knew Diana's flub of Charles' names by heart.  I had purchased every magazine with Diana's face on the cover.  I bought books written about her. 

I remember the day that Diana died.  I was at my parents' house for the weekend; they were still living in the house in which I grew up.  My mother and I turned on the TV late Saturday night and could not believe our ears.  The fact that Diana had been injured in an accident was amazing to us.  It was unreal.  Then, when they announced she was dead, we were both in shock.  My mother tearfully said, well, they won't have her to kick around anymore. 

My father was perplexed, to say the least, at our sad reactions to the Princess' death. He could not understand why we were so upset.  He even mocked us a little.  So I explained it to him, the same way I'll explain it now.

Here was a woman, who had been given the fairytale all women are taught from a very young age. Someday my prince will come.....yada yada yada.....Happily ever after.  Every little girl is fed this stuff from early on.  We dress up as princesses, we put on fake tiaras, we read Cinderella, Snow White,  and Sleeping Beauty.  We are told we are beautiful and that one magical day, we will meet the man of our dreams and live a blissfully happy life.  And we're stupid enough to believe all of that. 

Diana believed it with all of her heart; and as she did, so we did.  It seemed so perfect.  She was beautiful, she seemed kind, and she was terribly in love with her prince.  But she soon found out that life wasn't a fairy tale; that dealing with three-dimensional human beings is so different from the cardboard cutout perfection of fairy tales. 

But she didn't hide away and simply spend the millions in to which she'd married.  She worked hard to make sure her sons were in touch with the real world; so that they wouldn't have to survive the incredible shock she did when her fairy tale hopes died.  She brought AIDS into focus as a human disease, not a punishment.  She tirelessly campaigned for those less fortunate. 

Did she enjoy her riches?  Yes; she took lavish vacations and yes, she had affairs.  She wore gorgeous clothes and enjoyed beautiful jewelry.  But she never forgot her duties as a mother.  She placed her children first in her life and was determined that she not repeat the mistakes that had been made by the Queen with her children.  And that is why we loved her and admired her.  That is why we mourned her so fiercely, though we'd never met her.  She rose from the ashes of the fairy tale and held her head high.  She created her own legend and it's one of which she can always be proud. 

Friday, June 29, 2007

I love this quote. Words to live by.

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option"

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Kind of a downer...

Well, no news on the interview that was supposed to be set up tomorrow.  The training manager is traveling, so it was going to be a phone interview anyway.  However, the HR folks have left her messages and sent her emails and she hasn't responded.  I know I'm still in the running and I believe I have a really good shot, but I kind of wanted to know sooner rather than later.  Ah well....

NETboy has been very ill for weeks now.  He is fine in the mornings and during the day, but has been physically ill every night.  I have been asking him to make a doctor's appointment and he finally called the doctor today, after I brought up it could be his gallbladder.  So he went to the hospital for a test after work, but we don't know anything yet.  Then he came home and was only going to have soup, to see if not eating any fat at all would make him feel better - it did.  But now he's on a run to Steak and Shake for a chocolate shake. I said, ummmm, yeah, that has fat in it.

On his way out the door, my work phone rang.  I was talking to a customer when NETboy let out one of his classic loud belches (that I hate.)  This is not the first time it has happened and he's always apologetic afterward, but I am just livid right now.

I grew up in a house where you went to the restroom if you needed to do any sort of bodily function. I love NETboy and I know that part of his bipolar stuff is a lack of social skills.  I can't tell you how often we've been in a public place and he just lets air out of whatever orifice necessary.  It's embarrassing and disgusting and I'm sick of it.  At home, I put up with it, because we're in private, but it's still pretty disgusting.  Oy!!! 

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

What Lawgirl thinks about....

Another new recurring section of the website, Lawgirl's thoughts on random subjects.  I invite you to suggest subjects for me to give thoughts on, if you would like.  :-)  Tonight I will start us off with my thoughts on.............

Feminism

If you know me, you know that I have always been in favor of everyone having the same rights.  I'm not a feminist, which may be a surprise to some.  First of all, the only time I've ever felt discriminated against as a woman is when I've purchased a car.  Clearly, the salesmen preyed upon the fact that I was a young woman with no experience in purchasing an auto and that I didn't know much about cars in general. 

However, excluding that experience, I have never felt judged because I was a woman.  Because of my size?  Yes.  Because of my views?  Yes.  But not because I was female.  And that could be a direct result of my size.  I know that some people may not see me as a woman or as a sexual being, because I am overweight.  On the other hand, I have always felt that because people weren't distracted by my looks, they took me more seriously.  I didn't have to wonder if they were listening to the words I was speaking. 

Of course, I have been lucky in that the older I get and the more I'm around people my own age and older, the more accepting people are.  A 20 year-old-man is not interested in me, because I don't look like Jessica Alba.  However, men my age and older appreciate the conversation I can make, the references I get, and the sexual experience I have.  (Overweight women, there are a TON of men out there who love BBW and think we make the best lovers.  I have had men tell me that they can't STAND to be in bed with someone bony - it hurts!!)

I'm also not a feminist, because I refuse to give my energy just to one group.  I believe in human rights.  I want everyone to have the same rights - whites, blacks, men, women, straight or gay.  I believe that everyone deserves those rights until they commit a crime (and just so we're clear, homosexuality is not a crime, not in any state).  Once you commit a crime, you suffer the consequences and lose your rights.

I also believe that the time for feminism has come and gone.  The women my age and younger haven't faced the discrimination that women 40 and above did.  I appreciate the roads that were made for me; I simply don't see the roadblocks anymore. 


And now I feel guilty....

because my current boss sent me flowers today as a thank you for all of the work I do.

If I had known about this before I met NETboy...

because as my friends know, I dreamed about marrying a farmer.


Cupid for Country Folk

"The silence of a falling star lights up a purple sky / And as I wonder where you are I'm so lonesome I could cry" - From Hank Williams' 1949 song, "I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry"

By KEVIN SITES, TUE JUN 26, 11:11 AM PDT

The idea of an online dating service for farmers might strike those of us who don't live on a farm — about 99 percent of Americans — as a bit of a joke.

But to Jerry Miller, the founder of FarmersOnly.com, matching up country folk for rural romance is no laughing matter; "It's the most important thing that I've ever done in my life."

Miller is an unlikely rural cupid. An advertising executive, he lives and works in suburban Cleveland.

Jerry Miller plays cupid to farmers with his online dating website.

It was the ad business that gave Miller the idea for FarmersOnly. Through one of his agency's clients, an association of alpaca farmers, he met a rural woman who mentioned her frustration with online dating.

"She said the city guys that contacted her just don't have a clue and that's where the slogan for my site came," he says with a eureka smile. "'City folks just don't get it!'"

Miller says his clients have more obstacles than most on their road to romance. One of the biggest is physical distance. Only about 1 percent of Americans actually live on farms today. That can leave a lot of space between neighbors.

Miller's online service bridges those country miles with the Internet, creating a space where like-minded folks can meet up anytime rather than waiting for the annual Fourth of July picnic.

The site's clients are not just farmers, but anyone whose life and work is tied to the land.  One such client was Ohio State University equestrian coach Blain Newsome. She was tired of dates who wrinkled their noses at horse manure — or who were simply not gentlemen.

Through FarmersOnly, Newsome met a farm machinery salesman named Kris Young. They're getting hitched in the fall.


"It's the most important thing that I've ever done in my life." — Jerry Miller


Although FarmersOnly is just a speck in the nearly half-billion dollar online dating industry, it has already sown the seeds of success. In just two years since the site was founded, Miller has signed up more than 64,000 people, with members in all 50 states and Canada.

And with a specialized dating pool that deep, Miller says farmers are finding love almost too fast.

"I get quite a few e-mails saying, 'Thank you, I met somebody on your free week trial,'" he says.

But Miller says he's not really in it for the money anyway. He's just happy being able to use his advertising skills on something more enduring than the agency's usual work — clients like car dealers and a cleaning potion called Goo Gone.

On his desk, Miller has a large black binder filled with thank you notes and invitations from people he says met through FarmersOnly. Forty have already married, with another twenty weddings coming up, says Miller.

While he's serious about the work of the site, he imbues the project with his warm and offbeat sense of humor, promoting it with video ads featuring talking animals. He also talks about planning a wedding for special clients at the site of a tractor pull.

And though he's not a farmer himself, he knows his clientele.

"You can't fake being a farmer, you know," he says. "On a regular site, you could say, 'Oh, I'm a lawyer,' or whatever. But if you say you're a farmer and they say, 'What kind of tractor do you drive and what model number and you know, how often do you feed your Holstein cow and that,' if you're faking it, you're dead."

Yay Yay Yay

I have a 2nd interview on Friday!!!  I'm so excited!!!

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

I think it went well

Keep your fingers crossed.  This would be a great job, combining my talents of training and law.  Woot woot!!

/Melting

I have a phone interview at 3 with another law firm for a training position.  It sounds like a great opportunity, so I'm a little nervous about the interview.  NETboy just sent me this:

I just wanted to convey my utmost love, appreciation and respect for
you, Lawgirl, as you interview for this new position.

I have known you long enough to know that you have the inate ability to
capture anyone's heart and mind with your elegance and grace.

I have every confidence that your natural abilities will shine through
and that you will KICK ASS on this interview.

You will never know how much I love and appreciate you......

As we say to each other when we tear up - damn allergies!!

Found this on a message board and just about peed my pants

His name changed from Jerry Dorsey to Englbert Humperdink! I mean, I'd just like to be in the room when they were working that one through:

"Zinglebert Bambledack! Yingeebert Dangleban! Zanglebert Dingleback! Winglebert Humptiback! Slat Bunwallah!"

"What?"

"All right, Kringlebert Fishtibuns! Steveibuns Buttrentrunden …"

"No, Jerry Dorsey! I like–"

"No, we can't … let's see, we have Zinglebert Bambledack, Dinglebert Wangledack, Slat Bunwallah, Klingibum Fistlbars, Dinglebert Zambeldack, uh … Jerry Dorsey, Englerbert Humptiback, Zinglebert Bambledack, Engelbert Humperdinck, Dinglebert Wingledank …"

"No, no, go back one!"

- Eddie Izzard, "Dress To Kill"

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Sunday Funny

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and
Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"

And Man said, "Yes!"
and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles."
And they gained 10 pounds.
And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt
that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour
from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them.
And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons, and garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables,
and olive oil in which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth deep fried fish
and chicken-fried steak so big
it needed its own platter.
And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake,"
and said, "It is good."
Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes
so that His children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan gave cable TV with
a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.
And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light
and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and
brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin
and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them.
And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man
might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald's
and its 99-cent double cheeseburger.
Then said, "You want fries with that?"
And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!"
And Satan said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Lawgirl's Stupid Human Tricks, pt 1

Today I introduce a new continuing section of the website, Lawgirl's Stupid Human Tricks.  These will be a testament to truly stupid human acts committed by yours truly.

Today's webisode:

When I was about 5 and my brother was 16, we ended up wearing eye patches on the same eye.  How, you ask?  Well, it started with my brother.  Keep in mind, this was in the 70s.  He was using a tanning lamp we had.  And Pretty Boy used it so much that he damaged one of his eyes and had to wear a patch on his eye while it healed (no, I don't remember right or left). 

We were leaving for the doctor's office for a checkup for him, when I came across my mom's Binaca spray.  Except that it wouldn't spray.  And so I held it up to look at it to see if I could figure out why and sprayed it....you guessed it, into my eye.  Not once, but twice.

The doctor saw me as well, and both my brother and I ended up wearing eye patches on the same eye at the same time.  Back then, no one ever cried child abuse, so my mother didn't seem too worried about how it would look to the neighbors.

Eventually, both of our eyes healed, although mine would suffer more damage later on (to be told in a further webisode of Lawgirl's Stupid Human Tricks.)

A little vacation, now it's time to work

NETboy has a new job, at which he starts Monday.  Yay!!  It's been nice having him home, though.  He truly handled the whole situation very well.  But the stress he's been under showed up today, as he basically passed out from exhaustion when he arrived home after his final interview.

The bad news is, he doesn't get paid until July 20.  But, his boss is giving him his last paycheck after all, minus this week's pay.  At least that's something.


Thursday, June 21, 2007

Evil Laugh Inserted

NETboy and I were watching The Colbert Report (again, would SO do him) and the subject matter was email etiquette.  Colbert, being funny, said, is it okay to break up with girls over email?  NETboy laughed and said yes.  (After all, we've done THAT before).  I laughed and said, go ahead.  He said, like you'd give a fuck.  I said, oh, I would......to someone else!! 

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Okay, it was funny to me.

Job News

Well, the company that let NETboy go called and did a phone interview.  They are to let me know next week if they want me to come in for another interview. 

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

A taste for irony has kept more hearts from breaking than a sense of humor, for it takes irony to appreciate the joke which is on oneself.

~ Jessamyn West

In a flaming ironic twist, the very company that let NETboy go on Monday called me today to discuss a training position there.  I'll keep you posted on what happens next.

As long as she doesn't sing it....

Yoko Ono says she still might write a memoir

By Robert Gibbons1 hour, 40 minutes ago

Yoko Ono may yet write her autobiography despite a reluctance to deal with hostile critics -- Beatles fans who still blame her for breaking up the band. (As long as she doesn't attempt to sing it.  It's sad when you can say that Linda McCartney was the better singer of the two.)

But she also is worried about hurting the people she would write about.

"I want to one day do that probably but still don't have the time," Ono, the widow of slain former Beatle John Lennon, said at a forum in New York.

"There are things that I can't write because it may hurt someone," Ono said. "I think about how it might hurt (their) children, and I don't want to do that." (Yet I thought nothing of sleeping with a married man and how he basically forgot about the child he had with that wife while I forced him to focus on our family only.)

Discussing her own art and music, Ono said she always thought of her work as Asian and rejected being categorized as part of the Fluxus, or minimalist movement prevalent in New York in the early 1960s.

"I knew John Cage and all that," Ono said of the composer associated with the movement. "But I don't think that was how I should be explained." (You should take that, because it's kinder than how most people explain your "art.")

She said that after Lennon's 1980 murder in front of their home at the Dakota building in Manhattan she considered moving because there were so many people hovering around the place.

But Ono stayed put because it was the home she had created with Lennon and "it means a lot to Sean," she said, referring to her son who was 5 years old when Lennon died. (And rent-controlled.)

Ono said the scorn heaped on her art and music, which now receives more favorable treatment from critics and dance music fans, never bothered her. But she was concerned about how bad Lennon had felt because her work wasn't appreciated.

She fears a possible backlash from Beatles fans who blame her for breaking up the band, despite what she said were statements from Ringo Starr, Paul McCartney and the late George Harrison absolving her.


Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Lawgirl Product Endorsement

L'oreal Couleur Experte. 

Since I've been on unemployment, I've been trying to cut extra costs and getting my hair professionally done every 6 weeks was one of them.  Paying almost $150 for that was just not going to work.  So, I've been coloring my own hair, which is a little hard to do with red, as you can get the wrong color very easily.  But I am unfortunately gray early (thanks Mom!!), so I have to color it. 

I'd used the Excellence Cream a couple of times, but within a week, it was faded and needed colored again.  This stuff, though more expensive, is great.  It had an allover color first and then you go back and add highlights.  I absolutely love it. It's fairly foolproof. 

NETboy is so good with color, having the synesthesia and all, he can match my color exactly.  This stuff makes my hair look professionally done.

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?

~ Jean Cocteau

Well, we're off to a slightly bad start of the week.  Yesterday, NETboy called me at noon and announced he was coming home.  He and the other contractor from his consulting firm had been let go from the law firm.  Now, that doesn't mean that he doesn't still have his director position at the consulting firm....for now.  But it does mean that if they can't place him somewhere else by the end of the week, he's a liability, not an asset and they could cut him.

Luckily, NETboy is so well-known in his field of work that he has people begging him to work for them every single day.  He's had job offers from Microsoft, from Honda, from every major company.  He had a job interview lined up yesterday before he even arrived home.  He's already had one this morning and he has them lined up for the rest of the week.

My boss and I had a major blowup yesterday.  But actually, I think it made us both feel better.  We both said things we needed to say.  I still am going to look for another job, but I am happier in this one for now. 

I did get some slightly bad news that my last pap came back again with more issues.  However, the doctor is still in wait and see mode. I'll go back in 4 months and we'll see where it's at then.


Sunday, June 17, 2007

Passive Aggressive Behavior Just Makes Me More Aggressive

Oy.  So, when my boss and I were having some issues a couple of weeks ago, I told him I needed some time to think. In fact, I specifically said to him, I need the rest of this week to think about this and then I'll get back with you.  I am someone who likes to take some time to think and I had a lot going on, and so I needed to take some time and make a decision on what was best for everyone.

However, I gave him my decision last Sunday (I told him that I was going to apply for some corporate trainer opportunities) but that I would stay on until I had something else.  He said that he understood. On Tuesday, he mentioned that he didn't want me to think that he wasn't saddened by my decision. I said, well, to be honest, I have been getting the message that you didn't want to work with me anymore.  He said, oh, when did you get that idea?  I said, well, a couple of weeks ago.  He said, when we first had the argument?  I said yes.

Every day this week, he has said, let's talk, but I can't talk right now, I'll call you later.  Every day.  On Saturday he said, what time do you want to talk?  I said, how about after 4pm.  He never called.  He never came online again.

I loathe that type of behavior.  When I said that I needed some space to think, I gave him a specific timeline.  He's left me hanging and that really disappoints me. 

Strange Dreams

Dreams surely are difficult, confusing, and not everything in them is brought to pass for mankind. For fleeting dreams have two gates: one is fashioned of horn and one of ivory. Those which pass through the one of sawn ivory are deceptive, bringing tidings which come to nought, but those which issue from the one of polished horn bring true results when a mortal sees them. ~ Homer

My dreams get stranger all of the time.  Last night I dreamt that I was waiting for eHarmony Guy to come pick me up from my grandmother's house (she's been dead for nearly 10 years now).  He came in a semi truck.  We were heading out on 161/33 in Columbus and another semi ran us off of the road.  I saw eHarmony Guy was in the tractor portion and he went down in a ditch.  I, for some reason, was in the trailer portion along with a dog.  I saw us detach from the tractor and braced for impact, as the trailer spun across the snow. We stopped short of a huge tree. 

In the dream, eHarmony guy was choking in the tractor.  I hit his chest a couple of times, because I couldn't think of the Heimlich for some reason.  He was okay and we proceeded to the hospital.

Then the dream flashed to me waiting for him again.  My childhood love was in the dream and married to the wife I know he has now.  But they weren't happy and I wanted to be with him.

In real life, NETboy had a rough night.  We had fought again and made up again.  I went to bed around 2 and he was going to follow, then came in and said that he was going to go to Steak and Shake.  I fell back to sleep.  I woke up at 6am when he finally came to bed.

I got up and he had written me an email, saying that he was sorry for hurting my feelings, that he hated himself for it and that he hated that I had slept alone.  I know he felt like a failure, but for me, it was great as it was communication.  And in the end, that's all I want.  I'm not upset with him for not coming to bed until 6am, I'm not upset with him for sleeping all day today.  He told me the reasons and that's all I ask.

Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.

~ Epicurus

I live with this with NETboy.  I sleep next to him and hear him crying in his sleep.  I sleep next to him while he is drenched with sweat because he can't turn off his mind from reliving certain aspects of the war.  I sleep next to him when he has sleep paralysis, because the dream is so real and he thinks that THIS time, he'll see the sniper first and save his friend.  He also went to the VA to receive care, for what they caused in him.  He was never diagnosed with bipolar disorder before he entered the Army.  My heart bleeds that we treat our armed services vets this way. 

WP: System ill equipped for PTSD

Troops returning with psychological wounds confront bureaucracy, stigma
By Dana Priest and Anne Hull
The Washington Post
Updated: 10:35 p.m. ET June 16, 2007

Army Spec. Jeans Cruz helped capture Saddam Hussein. When he came home to the Bronx, important people called him a war hero and promised to help him start a new life. The mayor of New York, officials of his parents' home town in Puerto Rico, the borough president and other local dignitaries honored him with plaques and silk parade sashes. They handed him their business cards and urged him to phone.

But a "black shadow" had followed Cruz home from Iraq, he confided to an Army counselor. He was hounded by recurring images of how war really was for him: not the triumphant scene of Hussein in handcuffs, but visions of dead Iraqi children.

In public, the former Army scout stood tall for the cameras and marched in the parades. In private, he slashed his forearms to provoke the pain and adrenaline of combat. He heard voices and smelled stale blood. Soon the offers of help evaporated and he found himself estranged and alone, struggling with financial collapse and a darkening depression.

At a low point, he went to the local Department of Veterans Affairs medical center for help. One VA psychologist diagnosed Cruz with post-traumatic stress disorder. His condition was labeled "severe and chronic." In a letter supporting his request for PTSD-related disability pay, the psychologist wrote that Cruz was "in need of major help" and that he had provided "more than enough evidence" to back up his PTSD claim. His combat experiences, the letter said, "have been well documented."

None of that seemed to matter when his case reached VA disability evaluators. They turned him down flat, ruling that he deserved no compensation because his psychological problems existed before he joined the Army. They also said that Cruz had not proved he was ever in combat. "The available evidence is insufficient to confirm that you actually engaged in combat," his rejection letter stated.

Yet abundant evidence of his year in combat with the 4th Infantry Division covers his family's living-room wall. The Army Commendation Medal With Valor for "meritorious actions . . . during strategic combat operations" to capture Hussein hangs not far from the combat spurs awarded for his work with the 10th Cavalry "Eye Deep" scouts, attached to an elite unit that caught the Iraqi leader on Dec. 13, 2003, at Ad Dawr.

Veterans Affairs will spend $2.8 billion this year on mental health. But the best it could offer Cruz was group therapy at the Bronx VA medical center. Not a single session is held on the weekends or late enough at night for him to attend. At age 25, Cruz is barely keeping his life together. He supports his disabled parents and 4-year-old son and cannot afford to take time off from his job repairing boilers. The rough, dirty work, with its heat and loud noises, gives him panic attacks and flesh burns but puts $96 in his pocket each day.

Once celebrated by his government, Cruz feels defeated by its bureaucracy. He no longer has the stamina to appeal the VA decision, or to make the Army correct the sloppy errors in his medical records or amend his personnel file so it actually lists his combat awards.

"I'm pushing the mental limits as it is," Cruz said, standing outside the bullet-pocked steel door of the New York City housing project on Webster Avenue where he grew up and still lives with his family. "My experience so far is, you ask for something and they deny, deny, deny. After a while you just give up."

An old and growing problem
Jeans Cruz and his contemporaries in the military were never supposed to suffer in the shadows the way veterans of the last long, controversial war did. One of the bitter legacies of Vietnam was the inadequate treatment of troops when they came back. Tens of thousands endured psychological disorders in silence, and too many ended up homeless, alcoholic, drug-addicted, imprisoned or dead before the government acknowledged their conditions and in 1980 officially recognized PTSD as a medical diagnosis.

Yet nearly three decades later, the government still has not mastered the basics: how best to detect the disorder, the most effective ways to treat it, and the fairest means of compensating young men and women who served their country and returned unable to lead normal lives.

Cruz's case illustrates these broader problems at a time when the number of suffering veterans is the largest and fastest-growing in decades, and when many of them are back at home with no monitoring or care. Between 1999 and 2004, VA disability pay for PTSD among veterans jumped 150 percent, to $4.2 billion.

By this spring, the number of vets from Afghanistan and Iraq who had sought help for post-traumatic stress would fill four Army divisions, some 45,000 in all.

A deluge of depressed vets
They occupy every rank, uniform and corner of the country. People such as Army Lt. Sylvia Blackwood, who was admitted to a locked-down psychiatric ward in Washington after trying to hide her distress for a year and a half and Army Pfc. Joshua Calloway, who spent eight months at Walter Reed Army Medical Center and left barely changed from when he arrived from Iraq in handcuffs; and retired Marine Lance Cpl. Jim Roberts, who struggles to keep his sanity in suburban New York with the help of once-a-week therapy and a medicine cabinet full of prescription drugs; and the scores of Marines in California who were denied treatment for PTSD because the head psychiatrist on their base thought the diagnosis was overused.

They represent the first wave in what experts say is a coming deluge.

As many as one-quarter of all soldiers and Marines returning from Iraq are psychologically wounded, according to a recent American Psychological Association report. Twenty percent of the soldiers in Iraq screened positive for anxiety, depression and acute stress, an Army study found.

But numbers are only part of the problem. The Institute of Medicine reported last month that Veterans Affairs' methods for deciding compensation for PTSD and other emotional disorders had little basis in science and that the evaluation process varied greatly. And as they try to work their way through a confounding disability process, already-troubled vets enter a VA system that chronically loses records and sags with a backlog of 400,000 claims of all kinds.

Proof-of-trauma standard questioned
The disability process has come to symbolize the bureaucratic confusion over PTSD. To qualify for compensation, troops and veterans are required to prove that they witnessed at least one traumatic event, such as the death of a fellow soldier or an attack from a roadside bomb, or IED. That standard has been used to deny thousands of claims. But many experts now say that debilitating stress can result from accumulated trauma as well as from one significant event.

In an interview, even VA's chief of mental health questioned whether the single-event standard is a valid way to measure PTSD. "One of the things I puzzle about is, what if someone hasn't been exposed to an IED but lives in dread of exposure to one for a month?" said Ira R. Katz, a psychiatrist. "According to the formal definition, they don't qualify."

The military is also battling a crisis in mental-health care. Licensed psychologists are leaving at a far faster rate than they are being replaced. Their ranks have dwindled from 450 to 350 in recent years. Many said they left because they could not handle the stress of facing such pained soldiers. Inexperienced counselors muddle through, using therapies better suited for alcoholics or marriage counseling.

A new report by the Defense Department's Mental Health Task Force says the problems are even deeper. Providers of mental-health care are "not sufficiently accessible" to service members and are inadequately trained, it says, and evidence-based treatments are not used. The task force recommends an overhaul of the military's mental-health system, according to a draft of the report.

Another report, commissioned by Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates in the wake of the Walter Reed outpatient scandal, found similar problems: "There is not a coordinated effort to provide the training required to identify and treat these non-visible injuries, nor adequate research in order to develop the required training and refine the treatment plans."

But the Army is unlikely to do more significant research anytime soon. "We are at war, and to do good research takes writing up grants, it takes placebo control trials, it takes control groups," said Col. Elspeth Ritchie, the Army's top psychiatrist. "I don't think that that's our primary mission."

Stigma of PTSD proves a 'barrier to care'
In attempting to deal with increasing mental-health needs, the military regularly launches Web sites and promotes self-help guides for soldiers. Maj. Gen. Gale S. Pollock, the Army's acting surgeon general, believes that doubling the number of mental-health professionals and boosting the pay of psychiatrists would help.

But there is another obstacle that those steps could not overcome. "One of my great concerns is the stigma" of mental illness, Pollock said. "That, to me, is an even bigger challenge. I think that in the Army, and in the nation, we have a long way to go." The task force found that stigma in the military remains "pervasive" and is a "significant barrier to care."

Surveys underline the problem. Only 40 percent of the troops who screened positive for serious emotional problems sought help, a recent Army survey found. Nearly 60 percent of soldiers said they would not seek help for mental-health problems because they felt their unit leaders would treat them differently; 55 percent thought they would be seen as weak, and the same percentage believed that soldiers in their units would have less confidence in them.

Lt. Gen. John Vines, who led the 18th Airborne Corps in Iraq and Afghanistan, said countless officers keep quiet out of fear of being mislabeled. "All of us who were in command of soldiers killed or wounded in combat have emotional scars from it," said Vines, who recently retired. "No one I know has sought out care from mental-health specialists, and part of that is a lack of confidence that the system would recognize it as 'normal' in a time of war. This is a systemic problem."

Officers and senior enlisted troops, Vines added, were concerned that they would have trouble getting security clearances if they sought psychological help. They did not trust, he said, that "a faceless, nameless agency or process, that doesn't know them personally, won't penalize them for a perceived lack of mental or emotional toughness."

Overdiagnosed or overlooked?
For the past 2 1/2 years, the counseling center at the Marine Corps Air Ground Combat Center in Twentynine Palms, Calif., was a difficult place for Marines seeking help for post-traumatic stress. Navy Cmdr. Louis Valbracht, head of mental health at the center's outpatient hospital, often refused to accept counselors' views that some Marines who were drinking heavily or using drugs had PTSD, according to three counselors and another staff member who worked with him.

"Valbracht didn't believe in it. He'd say there's no such thing as PTSD," said David Roman, who was a substance abuse counselor at Twentynine Palms until he quit six months ago.

"We were all appalled," said Mary Jo Thornton, another counselor who left last year.

A third counselor estimated that perhaps half of the 3,000 Marines he has counseled in the past five years showed symptoms of post-traumatic stress. "They would change the diagnosis right in front of you, put a line through it," said the counselor, who spoke on the condition of anonymity because he still works there.

"I want to see my Marines being taken care of," said Roman, who is now a substance-abuse counselor at the Marine Corps Air Station in Cherry Point, N.C.

'Enough medicine to kill a mule'
In an interview, Valbracht denied he ever told counselors that PTSD does not exist. But he did say "it is overused" as a diagnosis these days, just as "everyone on the East Coast now has a bipolar disorder." He said this "devalues the severity of someone who actually has PTSD," adding: "Nowadays it's like you have a hangnail. Someone comes in and says 'I have PTSD,' " and counselors want to give them that diagnosis without specific symptoms.

Valbracht, an aerospace medicine specialist, reviewed and signed off on cases at the counseling center. He said some counselors diagnosed Marines with PTSD before determining whether the symptoms persisted for 30 days, the military recommendation. Valbracht often talked to the counselors about his father, a Marine on Iwo Jima who overcame the stress of that battle and wrote an article called "They Even Laughed on Iwo." Counselors found it outdated and offensive. Valbracht said it showed the resilience of the mind.

Valbracht retired recently because, he said, he "was burned out" after working seven days a week as the only psychiatrist available to about 10,000 Marines in his 180-mile territory. "We could have used two or three more psychiatrists," he said, to ease the caseload and ensure that people were not being overlooked.

Former Lance Cpl. Jim Roberts's underlying mental condition was overlooked by the Marine Corps and successive health-care professionals for more than 30 years, as his temper and alcohol use plunged him into deeper trouble. Only in May 2005 did VA begin treating the Vietnam vet for PTSD. Three out of 10 of his compatriots from Vietnam have received diagnoses of PTSD. Half of those have been arrested at least once. Veterans groups say thousands have killed themselves.

To control his emotions now, Roberts attends group therapy once a week and swallows a handful of pills from his VA doctors: Zoloft, Neurontin, Lisinopril, Seroquel, Ambien, hydroxyzine, "enough medicine to kill a mule," he said.

Roberts desperately wants to persuade Iraq veterans not to take the route he traveled. "The Iraq guys, it's going to take them five to 10 years to become one of us," he said, seated at his kitchen table in Yonkers with his vet friends Nicky, Lenny, Frenchie, Ray and John nodding in agreement. "It's all about the forgotten vets, then and now. The guys from Iraq and Afghanistan, we need to get these guys in here with us."

"In here" can mean different things. It can mean a 1960s-style vet center such as the one where Roberts hangs out, with faded photographs of Huey helicopters and paintings of soldiers skulking through shoulder-high elephant grass. It can mean group therapy at a VA outpatient clinic during work hours, or more comprehensive treatment at a residential clinic. In a crisis, it can mean the locked-down psych ward at the local VA hospital.

"Out there," with no care at all, is a lonesome hell.

Losing a bureaucratic battle
Not long after Jeans Cruz returned from Iraq to Fort Hood, Tex., in 2004, his counselor, a low-ranking specialist, suggested that someone should "explore symptoms of PTSD." But there is no indication in Cruz's medical files, which he gave to The Washington Post, that anyone ever responded to that early suggestion.

When he met with counselors while he was on active duty, Cruz recalled, they would take notes about his troubled past, including that he had been treated for depression before he entered the Army. But they did not seem interested in his battlefield experiences. "I've shot kids. I've had to kill kids. Sometimes I look at my son and like, I've killed a kid his age," Cruz said. "At times we had to drop a shell into somebody's house. When you go clean up the mess, you had three, four, five, six different kids in there. You had to move their bodies."

When he tried to talk about the war, he said, his counselors "would just sit back and say, 'Uh-huh, uh-huh.' When I told them about the unit I was with and Saddam Hussein, they'd just say, 'Oh, yeah, right.' "

He occasionally saw a psychiatrist, who described him as depressed and anxious. He talked about burning himself with cigarettes and exhibited "anger from Iraq, nightmares, flashbacks," one counselor wrote in his file. "Watched friend die in Iraq. Cuts, bruises himself to relieve anger and frustration." They prescribed Zoloft and trazodone to control his depression and ease his nightmares. They gave him Ambien for sleep, which he declined for a while for fear of missing morning formation.

Stressed out, then tossed out
Counselors at Fort Hood concerned enough about Cruz to have him sign what is known as a Life Maintenance Agreement. It stated: "I, Jeans Cruz, agree not to harm myself or anyone else. I will first contact either a member of my direct Chain of Command . . . or immediately go to the emergency room." That was in October 2004. The next month he signed another one.

Two weeks later, Cruz reenlisted. He says the Army gave him a $10,000 bonus.

His problems worsened. Three months after he reenlisted, a counselor wrote in his medical file: "MAJOR depression." After that: "He sees himself in his dreams killing or strangling people. . . . He is worried about controlling his stress level. Stated that he is starting to drink earlier in the day." A division psychologist, noting Cruz's depression, said that he "did improve when taking medication but has degenerated since stopping medication due to long work hours."

Seven months after his reenlistment ceremony, the Army gave him an honorable discharge, asserting that he had a "personality disorder" that made him unfit for military service. This determination implied that all his psychological problems existed before his first enlistment. It also disqualified him from receiving combat-related disability pay.

There was little attempt to tie his condition to his experience in Iraq. Nor did the Army see an obvious contradiction in its handling of him: He was encouraged to reenlist even though his psychological problems had already been documented.

Cruz's records are riddled with obvious errors, including a psychological rating of "normal" on the same physical exam the Army used to discharge him for a psychological disorder. His record omits his combat spurs award and his Army Commendation Medal With Valor. These omissions contributed to the VA decision that he had not proved he had been in combat. To straighten out those errors, Cruz would have had to deal with a chaotic and contradictory paper trail and bureaucracy -- a daunting task for an expert lawyer, let alone a stressed-out young veteran.

When group therapy makes things worse
In the Aug. 16, 2006, VA letter denying Cruz disability pay because he had not provided evidence of combat, evaluators directed him to the U.S. Armed Services Center for Research of Unit Records. But such a place no longer exists. It changed its name to the U.S. Army and Joint Services Records Research Center and moved from one Virginia suburb, Springfield, to another, Alexandria, three years ago. It has a 10-month waiting list for processing requests.

To speed things up, staff members often advise troops to write to the National Archives and Records Administration in Maryland. But that agency has no records from the Iraq war, a spokeswoman said. That would send Cruz back to Fort Hood, whose soldiers have deployed to Iraq twice, leaving few staff members to hunt down records.

But Cruz has given up on the records. Life at the Daniel Webster Houses is tough enough.

After he left the Army and came home to the Bronx, he rode a bus and the subway 45 minutes after work to attend group sessions at the local VA facility. He always arrived late and left frustrated. Listening to the traumas of other veterans only made him feel worse, he said: "It made me more aggravated. I had to get up and leave." Experts say people such as Cruz need individual and occupational therapy.

Medications were easy to come by, but some made him sick. "They made me so slow I didn't want to do nothing with my son or manage my family," he said. After a few months, he stopped taking them, a dangerous step for someone so severely depressed. His drinking became heavier.

To calm himself now, he goes outside and hits a handball against the wall of the housing project. "My son's out of control. There are family problems," he said, shaking his head. "I start seeing these faces. It goes back to flashbacks, anxiety. Sometimes I've got to leave my house because I'm afraid I'm going to hit my son or somebody else."

Because of his family responsibilities, he does not want to be hospitalized. He doesn't think a residential program would work, either, for the same reason.

His needs are more basic. "Why can't I have a counselor with a phone number? I'd like someone to call."

Or some help from all those people who stuck their business cards in his palm during the glory days of his return from Iraq. "I have plaques on my wall -- but nothing more than that."

Staff researcher Julie Tate contributed to this report.

URL: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19267926/page/4/


Saturday, June 16, 2007

'Tis the most tender part of love, each other to forgive.

~ John Sheffield

Ugh, we had another fight while I was making dinner.  I misunderstood something he said and I shot back with venom.  And he cried.  I feel horribly about it.  I have apologized over and over.  He says it's fine.  I hope so.

Seriously?????

I've been catching up on Grey's Anatomy.  I didn't watch it when it first came out and I loathe starting series in the middle.  I love downloading the shows to my iPod and watching them in bed while NETboy is sleeping.  (He almost always beats me to sleep, even though we both take Halcion.) 

As much as I hate to be a follower, I have to confess....I love it.  I love the dialogue and the relationships. And I love the use of the word seriously.  I used it myself today.

NETboy and I had a fight.  He has been a poopoohead all week.  Yes, work has been rough and that makes him less than fun during the day (we talk via IM all day.)  But he's been better in the evenings.  Until today.  I got up late and we went grocery shopping.  He's in a mood where he doesn't have any money and doesn't want me to buy him anything.

If you know me AT ALL I am effusive in my giving to those I love.  I give until it hurts and then I give some more.  A friend recently said, if you have a dime, you give 11 cents.  It's true.  I love to give.  I love surprising people and I love giving them things that they want, but won't give themselves. 

NETboy is still stuck in the Ice Age Relationship Stage of All or Nothing.  He can buy me gifts, flowers, give me gas money, etc. but it's not okay if I do the same.  He says, you enjoy those things, that's why I do it.  I don't enjoy those things, so I don't want you to do that for me.

We went shopping and I wanted to buy him some of his favorite Klondikes.  I put them in the basket and he protested.  I said, no, it can be your Father's Day present.  And we went on.  We get home and I realize, there aren't any of his Klondikes (the strawberry cheesecake ones).  I turned to him and said, did you put those back?  And he smiled and said yes.

And I broke down in tears.  I know, it's probably a stupid reaction, but it was more than just about Klondikes.  It was about the give and take in relationships and how his all or nothing mentality doesn't work in a relationship.

He was completely mystified.  How could I get so upset over the idea, which he has put to me over and over, that he doesn't like it when people do nice things for him?  Well, let's see...cuz it's NOT NORMAL.  And that's when I said, SERIOUSLY??? Are we back there????

Oy.  The fight was to the point where I went into the bedroom, took all of his stuff out and threw it into the living room, then shut the door behind me and locked it.  This lasted for 15 minutes.  Then I came out and we talked.  Of course, he wasn't going to get over his stuff being thrown out of the bedroom.  He said, well, I'm not going to get past THAT any time soon.  And I put on my sweetest face and said....If I got over the crap you pulled back in February, then you will get over this, RIGHT?  And he paused...and then said, well....I said, as we've agree, people say and do things in the heat of the moment and then want to be forgiven later, as I've done for you.  RIGHT????  And he agreed.

So, we're on a more even keel again.  Just waiting for the next round. 

Friday, June 15, 2007

Random Childhood Stories Part 6

1. I fell in love with Star Trek when I was 10 years old. Spock was my favorite character. He seemed like a challenge. As you can see, I have always fallen for difficult men. :-)

2. My first love, though, was the Captain of Captain and Tenille. Don't judge, you loved similarly ugly men in the 70s. We all did. Looks weren't important then. Anyway, I would sleep with their albums (yes, vinyl, darlings).

3. Then I fell in love with Shaun Cassidy. My cousin (who is 8 years older than I am) wrote him a letter for me, and his people sent back a letter and a picture. She kept the letter and I had the picture, although I have no idea where it is.

4. After that, I fell for Robin on TV's 1960's series, Batman and Robin. My mother was very upset with me that I drew a picture of Robin with his Mr. Happy sticking out. I was only 7 or 8, but I knew what that was (see aforementioned #4 from Part 1 of my childhood stories.)

5. When I was 13, I was sure I was going to marry Simon LeBon from Duran Duran. I mean, he might have been 28, but he was going to wait for me. It was only 5 more years until I was legal. He could have waited. But nooooo, he had to do the rocker thing and marry a model. Soooo predictable.

I tried to train the dog, but he trained me instead

It's embarrassing when your dog manages to outdo you.  Wondermutt has been doing his business inside the house sometimes, so I've been trying to teach him to go outside every time.  We let him out on the balcony to do his business.

So, he would go out, come back in and I would give him a treat (Beggin Strips).  I thought we were making progress....until I realized that he was going out and not doing anything.  He just wanted the treat.  Yup, today he spent alllll day at the back door, whining. 

My dog outsmarted me.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Love this!!

As an overweight person myself, I have had people not speak to me because of how I look. I have had people assume I'm dumb, slow, or hygiene-challenged. It's simply not true. I love how this woman says it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUTJQIBI1oA

I found this on Wehbmaztyr's site.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee and just as hard to sleep after

~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh

So, NETboy and I have been having some issues since last week.  He's been going through another bipolar pattern and I knew he was cycling down again.  I was gone for part of the weekend, and he was glad for that, as he needed some time alone to deal with everything (the ex, the job, the debt).  I am going through my own stress, as the job has been going downhill all of a sudden. 

We ended up having a huge fight today while he was at work, and he did his usual shutdown-I'm-not-talking-to-you routine.  Then he sent me an email and stated that he was going to his friend's house after work so that I could "cool down."  That pissed me off even more.  I hate the silent treatment (which is what it ends up being) and I hate that he was running away instead of wanting to resolve the situation.

Instead, he gave up going to the CAV's/SPURS game to come home and talk.  I was so shocked.  And we did talk and work through some things.  And when it was done, he said, I feel like I want to hug you. I'm impressed.  I have to say, it was one of our best talks yet.

He starts therapy tomorrow night.  I am excited to see where this leads him and us. 

Friday, June 08, 2007

Poor Little Bitch Girl

Hilton sent back to jail in hysterics

By LINDA DEUTSCH, AP Special Correspondent 17 minutes ago

She was taken handcuffed and crying from her home. She was escorted into court disheveled, without makeup, hair askew and face red with tears. (And I'm SURE they were real tears.)

Crying out for her mother when she was ordered back to jail, Paris Hilton's cool, glamorous image evaporated Friday as she gave the impression of a little girl lost in a merciless legal system.  (No, this is your justice system doing the RIGHT thing.)

"It's not right!" shouted the weeping Hilton. "Mom!" she called out to Kathy Hilton, who also was in tears.

The 26-year-old hotel heiress tried to move toward her parents but was steered away by two sheriff's deputies, who held her by each arm and hustled her from the courtroom.

Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer was apparently unmoved by the pleas of Hilton's lawyers to send her back to home confinement because of an unspecified medical condition. He ordered Hilton returned to a Los Angeles County jail to serve the rest of her 45-day sentence for violating probation in an alcohol-related reckless driving case.

The judge gave no explanation for his ruling. But his comments showed he was affronted by county Sheriff Lee Baca's decision to set aside his instructions and release Hilton after three days in jail to finish her time in the luxury of her Hollywood Hills home. (Yes, how awful that you might have had to spend time at home....with your family....your dogs....your clothes....your jewels.....your pool....your tennis courts.)

Her lawyers said the reason for her release was an unspecified medical condition. The judge suggested that could be taken care of at jail medical facilities.

After the hearing, Hilton was taken to a correctional treatment center at the downtown Twin Towers jail for medical and psychiatric examination to determine which facility she will be held in, said sheriff's spokesman Steve Whitmore.

"She'll be there for at least a couple of days," he said.

The sheriff defended his decision, citing jail crowding — although Hilton was in a special unit and did not have a cellmate — and what he termed "severe medical problems." (She gave you head, I'm guessing.)

He said he had learned from one of her doctors that she was not taking a certain medication while previously in custody, and that her "inexplicable deterioration" puzzled county psychiatrists.

Baca also charged that Hilton received a more severe sentence than the usual penalty for such a crime, which he said would have been either no jail time or direct placement in home confinement with electronic monitoring.

"The only thing I can detect as special treatment is the amount of her sentence," the sheriff said.

But he said he would not try to overrule the judge's decision again.

Hilton's jailhouse saga began Sept. 7, when she failed a sobriety test after police saw her weaving down a street in her Mercedes-Benz on what she said was a late-night hamburger run.

She pleaded no contest to reckless driving and was sentenced to 36 months' probation, alcohol education and $1,500 in fines. In the months that followed she was stopped twice while driving on a suspended license. The second stop landed her in Sauer's courtroom. (Yes, because guess what???  It's not okay for you to endanger everyone else's life because your are too irresponsible to know when not to drive under the influence.)

After being taken to court Friday in a black-and-white police car, paparazzi sprinting in pursuit and helicopters broadcasting live from above, Hilton entered the courtroom weeping and continued to cry throughout the hearing, which lasted more than an hour.

Her blond hair was pulled back in a disheveled knot, in contrast to the glamorous side-swept style in her booking photo earlier in the week. She was wrapped in a long, gray fuzzy sweat shirt over slacks.

Several times she turned to her parents, seated behind her in the courtroom, and mouthed, "I love you." At one point, she made the sign of the cross and appeared to be praying. (To whom?  The gods of sloth???)

Her body shook constantly as she cried, clutching a ball of tissue, tears running down her face.

Seconds later, the judge announced his decision: "The defendant is remanded to county jail to serve the remainder of her 45-day sentence. This order is forthwith."

Hilton screamed.  (I didn't get my way!!!  No!! NO!!  MY way!!!!)

Eight deputies immediately ordered all spectators out of the courtroom. Hilton's mother, Kathy, threw her arms around her husband, Rick, and sobbed uncontrollably.(Hopefully finally realizing that they completely sucked as parents, but it's doubtful.  People like them never see the truth.)

Deputies escorted Hilton out of the room, holding each of her arms as she looked back.

Despite being reincarcerated, she could still be released early. Inmates are given a day off their terms for every four days of good behavior, and her days in home detention counted as custody days. It appeared that Friday would count as her sixth day. Baca indicated she would serve about 18 more days.

Friday's hearing was delayed by a misunderstanding. Hilton apparently thought she was going to be able to participate from home by telephone.  (Is this a Hollywood thing????)  But the judge, who had not authorized that, angrily denounced a media outlet for spreading the rumor, although a court spokesman also gave that information to news media. He ordered sheriff's deputies to go to Hilton's home and take her to court. The process took nearly two hours.

Once the hearing began, Sauer was blunt in his criticism of the sheriff for disobeying his orders, which specifically banned home confinement with electronic monitoring.

"I at no time condoned the actions of the sheriff and at no time told him I approved the actions," he said. "At no time did I approve the defendant being released from custody to her home." (Fuckin' A, this judge is my hero.)

The hearing was requested by the city attorney's office, which had prosecuted Hilton and wanted Baca held in contempt for releasing Hilton despite Sauer's order that she go to jail. The judge didn't act on the contempt request.

Hilton's attorney, Richard Hutton, implored the judge to hear testimony in his chambers about Hilton's medical condition before deciding whether to send her to jail. The judge did not respond.

The last lawyer to speak was a deputy city attorney, David Bozanich, who declared: "This is a simple case. There was a court. The Sheriff's Department chose to violate that order. There is no ambiguity."

___

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Yes, this makes all lawyers look good

Convicted killer's lawyer claims he was sleepy during trial

MEMPHIS, Tenn. (AP) — A defense attorney tried a different argument to win his convicted client a new murder trial: the attorney was too sleepy.

Charles R. Curbo wrote in a motion for a new trial that he could not properly represent the defendant, Tony Wolfe, because he was tired during the six-day trial in January.

"The court constantly rushed defense counsel, who the court knew had little sleep on account of the hours that the court was keeping for no good reason," Curbo wrote.

Prosecutor David Zak said he saw no lack of enthusiasm from the defense.

"The defense attorney showed anger, passion and zeal in representing his client. There was never a moment when he was running out of gas," Zak said.

Wolfe was convicted of first-degree murder in the fatal shooting of Leondus Hawkins, 27, in September 2004 at a service station parking lot. He was sentenced to life in prison.

But both sides said the trial held long and late hours due Wolfe's medical condition and because the judge wanted to send the sequestered jury home as quickly as possible.

Wolfe required dialysis treatments every other morning and kept the trial from starting until early afternoon for some days. The proceedings went on until 10 or 11 p.m. on some days.

The judge is scheduled to rule on the motion in July.

Monday, June 04, 2007

The Bitch is Back

Okay, okay....I have been a Class A Bitch for the last couple of days.  Not to NETboy, as he doesn't deserve it.  He's been great.  No, this has been to the customers with whom I've been dealing. 

Our distributor has been behind for 4 weeks now.  The customers are getting angrier and angrier, and I understand that.  I would be upset as well.  However, when you're on the receiving end of all the bitching, you tend to start getting pissy yourself. 

First of all, I took a call from someone I'll call Cindie.  I'm calling her that, because you can spell Cindie many different ways, just like this woman's name.  Cindie, Cindi, Cindy.  The woman spelled her name, Cindi, no e.  I accidentally put it into the system as CindiE.  You would have thought I had told her she looked fat over the phone.  She complained and said that she didn't feel "comfortable" with her order.  This was on Saturday, so NETboy  and I were running errands most of the day.  I came back and Cindi, Cindie, Cindy had left a voicemail that she was still "uncomfortable." 

Okay, let me say first....I stopped taking the birth control pill...which I've been on for 20 years now.....Why, you ask?  Well, I'm tired of being on hormones, for one thing.  I have been on it since I was 15 because of my PCOS.  Well, I'm not trying to put off having a hysterectomy anymore, which was why I was on them.  I've reached an age when I'm past wanting children.  So, my hormones are a little out of whack....

Back to Saturday.  I called Cindy, Cindie, Cindi back and I explained, in my best possible customer service voice that my misspelling of her name was not an attempt to be rude to her or anything like that, that it was simply human error, that I was terribly sorry.  She lied and said that she wasn't upset.  I said, really?  because you sound so defensive (with a smile on my face so that the tone was quite nice.)  She said, oh no, not at all.  I said, because I can go ahead and cancel the order if you like; I would rather you be happy than have a sale.  She assured me that all was completely well. And we hung up. 

Then my boss and I got into a snarky match, as he said that he doesn't like it when I tell him about a stressful situation, because he has anxiety disorder and it gets him upset.  This stemmed from me saying, women vent.  That's what we do.  We tell you things, that doesn't mean that we want you to fix it for us.  And as soon as I tell him about a situation, he tells me what I should have done or what he would have done.  Well, that doesn't help me. 

What has been bothering me is that I've spent 13 years in corporate world and he only spent 3.  I see the mistakes he's making and I try to very gently point them out, but he completely shuts down.  NETboy has tried as well, but again, he shust down. 

Today, I couldn't get into our computer system. I could go most other places, but not to our website or our shopping cart.  My boss was not thrilled as that meant that he was going to have to take the phone calls.  Yes, poor boy!!!  When you were running the phone lines, you had maybe 1 call per day.  I get 20 times that.  So he took the phone and then the SECOND I was able to get into our website, he took them back.  Wow, thanks!!  That will help me catch up on all of the stuff you didn't do while you had access to the website and I didn't.

Right off the bat, I get angry customers.  One in particular, Julie, ripped me several times about not getting her table.  Finally, I said, Look, it's just a table, not an organ you're waiting on in order to live.  Yup, I said it.  Couldn't stop myself.  She just kept going on and on and on about how she wanted the table.  She sounded like a  5 year old.  She said, well, I'm quite aware that it's just a table.  I said, well, here are your options:  You can a.  call the carrier yourself, give him your tracking number and make a delivery appt or b.  have me call the carrier, to give him your cell phone #, to have him call you, to make the delivery appt.  Of course she chose b.  Yes, because THAT's simpler. THAT will only make your torture of not having your table last all that longer, but let's go with that option.

So, I asked my boss to call the freight company and give them her phone number.  He balked at first.  Finally I said, look, I'm dealing with angry customers.  I'm only asking you to deal with vendors who don't hate us yet.  And he said, are you upset?  Tell me about it.  I said, no, you've made it quite clear that you can't handle that. 

So yeah.  I've been a bitch. Oh well.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Why a large part of me loves being a renter

Motley Fool
The Worst Investment Ever
Friday May 18, 2:05 pm ET
By Robert Aronen

My fellow Fool John Rosevear considers a house to be the best investment ever. I disagree. A house is a place to live, not a road to riches.

Think about it for a minute. What characteristics do Fools look for in a great investment? Positive cash flow, low expense ratios, low transaction fees, and historically proven returns. Using these criteria, the average house falls well short of the all-time best.

Positive cash flow
If you buy a house, how much money goes into your pockets every year? How much goes out? That's right -- a house clearly produces negative cash flow. Mortgage payments, maintenance, and taxes add up to a lot of money heading out and none coming in.

This is not necessarily true for real estate as an asset class. Purchase a parking lot, apartment block, or strip mall, and you very well may find that the rents are higher than the cost of ownership. Real estate that generates positive cash flow can be a great investment. This positive cash flow fuels the dividends from REITs such as Avalon Bay (NYSE: AVB - News) and American Financial Realty (NYSE: AFR - News).

Low costs
The Fool has long advocated seeking investment vehicles with low expense ratios and transaction fees. The expense ratio is the cost of owning an investment as a percentage of its value over the course of a year. Shannon Zimmerman at the Motley Fool Champion Funds service searches for mutual funds with expense ratios of less than 1%.

How does this compare to housing? Costs vary significantly by location, but for urban areas, annual property taxes are typically between 1% and 2% of the current property value. Annual maintenance costs can add another 1% of the property value. If your down payment is less than 20%, you will also usually have to pay private mortgage insurance. Add property insurance, and the annual expense ratio associated with homeownership can easily reach 3% or more.

The big hit, however, arrives when you sell a property. Real estate agents will collect 6% of the selling price, while, lawyers, inspectors, title companies, and banks will collect additional fees. These fees appear as though they will remain stubbornly fixed for years to come. If you flip properties as though you are actively trading stocks, the only folks getting rich will be real estate agents. Meanwhile, transaction fees for stocks and mutual funds have plummeted in recent decades, to the point of falling below $10 per trade at several discount brokers.

Historically proven returns
The Fool has long advocated shares of individual companies as the best road to wealth, because of their inflation-crushing performance over very long periods of time. In The Future for Investors, Jeremy Siegel identifies several companies that have not only beaten inflation but also delivered returns far in excess of the market average for 50 years. It does not take a genius to actually buy companies like Pfizer (NYSE: PFE - News) or Altria (NYSE: MO - News), consistently reinvest the dividends, and build wealth over the decades. Over the 50 years of data compiled, Pfizer and Altria returned 16.0% and 19.8% respectively.

For any time period longer than the past few years, residential housing prices fall far behind these returns. Perhaps the best measure of housing-market appreciation is the S&P National Home Price Index. This index represents the actual appreciation of the same house over time, whereas a portion of overall housing-price increases occurs because new houses are generally much larger than old houses and people frequently spend substantial money upgrading and expanding their houses. Looking at the index, from 1987 to 2006, we see that the overall average appreciation in the U.S. was only 5.6%. Even cities showing huge gains during the final years of the housing bubble -- including San Diego, Las Vegas, and Washington, D.C. -- showed gains slightly above only 7% for the 19-year period. If we adjust these returns for inflation, we end up with real returns on housing in a range of 3%-5%. Subtract our annual expense ratio of 2%, and the return gets pretty thin.

This index is relatively new, and the data ends at the top of the final eight years of the biggest housing boom in U.S. history. Longer-term data paints an even less encouraging picture. Piet Eichholtz studied records on home sales in Amsterdam's premier Herengracht neighborhood from 1628 to 1973 and found an inflation-adjusted return of 0.2%. There were periods of rising prices and periods of falling prices, but not a continuous march upward with spectacular returns.

Final thoughts
I will agree with John Rosevear on one account -- a house is a great place to live. Fool Mary Dalrymple provides a good discussion of the issues associated with the rent-or-buy decision. Those who think renting is "throwing money away" should consider that mortgage interest, maintenance, taxes, and insurance are also "thrown away." Having a place to live costs money no matter what, and a rational evaluation of your local market should let you know which one is a better value. Before you start plugging overly optimistic numbers into the rent-vs.-buy calculator, just remember that past performance may not be indicative of future returns.

Fool contributor Robert Aronen does not own shares of any of the companies mentioned. He lives in a van, down by the river. He would rather fund his retirement with his stock portfolio, not equity withdrawals from a house. Please feel free to share your comments with him. The Motley Fool has a disclosure policy.


Friday, June 01, 2007

Now, we just have to make a fitting punishment so that others will be deterred

From ZDNet.com

Alleged 'Seattle Spammer' arrested

05 / 31 / 07   |  

Alleged spam mogul Robert Alan Soloway was arrested on Wednesday after being indicted by a federal grand jury.

The man the Washington State Office of the Attorney General has dubbed the Seattle Spammer was given an August 6 trial, during which he is set to face 35 charges related to suspected fraudulent Internet activities.

Soloway, owner of Newport Internet Marketing, was indicted by a federal grand jury on May 23 in a U.S. District Court in Seattle on 10 counts of mail fraud, 5 counts of wire fraud, 2 counts of e-mail fraud, 5 counts of aggravated identity theft and 13 counts of money laundering.

Soloway pleaded not guilty to all charges on Wednesday at his arraignment, according to court documents.

The indictment is a culmination of an investigation collaboratively conducted by the FBI, the Internal Revenue Service Criminal Investigation unit, the U.S. Postal Inspection Service, and the Computer Hacking and Intellectual Property units of the Department of Justice, according to the U.S. Attorney's office.

"Spam is a scourge of the Internet, and Robert Soloway is one of its most prolific practitioners. Our investigators dubbed him the Spam King because he is responsible for millions of spam e-mails," Jeffrey Sullivan, U.S. Attorney for the Western District of Washington, said in a statement.

Soloway is being accused of operating false Web sites and more than 50 domains, through which he posed as an advertiser offering legitimate "broadcast e-mail services" with "permission-based opt-in e-mail addresses." He allegedly deceived legitimate businesses into buying marketing software and services that turned out to be spam tools. Businesses that complained were met with intimidation and threats, according to the allegations against Soloway.

The alleged spammer is also accused of creating more than 2,000 proxy computers, or botnets--computers hijacked by hackers to send spam--and of using stolen e-mail and domain names that led to others' ISP addresses being blocked and those victims accused of being originating spammers.

The trial is set to go before Judge Marsha Pechman, with a detention hearing prior to that on June 4 before Judge James Donohue. Until then, Soloway is scheduled to remain in custody.

Soloway, whose assets have been forfeited by the U.S. government, was also appointed a public defender Wednesday.

While Soloway is being charged for alleged actions between November 2003 and May 2007, he incorporated Newport Internet Marketing, or NIM, in 1998 in California. Soloway moved his organization to Oregon in 2000 and then again to Seattle in 2003, where he has been living ever since.