Write down the advice of him who loves you, though you like it not at present.

~ English Proverb

Poor NETboy.  He had to work 14 hours yesterday; then, as he drove home, one of his tires blew out.  So, he didn't get home until almost 10pm last night.  After that, he couldn't fall asleep until 2 am and had to be up by 6 for work. 

Today he was in a craptastic mood, deservedly so, so he asked for some quiet time.  Normally, we chat on IM throughout the day.  But he needed the time and I gave it to him.  I was rewarded with flowers and Chinese dinner.  :-)

I have to say, the best advice I've received so far about dealing with the bipolar stuff has been from e-Harmony Guy.  He said to me, whatever your first instinct is when he starts having his moments, do the opposite. And so, that's what I have done and it's worked out great.  While my first instinct my be to argue the point, I turn quiet instead.  This does make the difference.  It's not easy every time, but the fact that it's working gives me the patience I need.

Not much else new or exciting is going on.  I did go to the rheumatologist last week.  Some of my bloodwork came back a little wacky, so she wanted to talk to me about what that could mean.  What it could mean is that I'm developing lupus, which is related to my already-present fibromyalgia.  For now, she just wants my bloodwork monitored from time to time.  At this point, the evidence isn't completely clear as to what is going on, so we're just going to watch it.

Psycho-babble BS

I've been called on passing along psycho-babble BS by Webmaztyr, on the site of http://www.asitebyanyother.name/Main_Page. I'll let this one go, but please don't say such things without doing your homework first. He stated that my comment about men defining themselves more by their careers, whereas women tend to define themselves by family was psycho-babble BS. The US government doesn't think so:

http://www.4woman.gov/mens/

No matter how much you know about men's health, there's always room to know more about ways to a better lifestyle, the top men's health concerns, and the importance of getting medical care and regular screening tests. Many of the major health risks that men face can be prevented and treated if they are diagnosed early.

While the life-expectancy gap between men and women has shrunk to five years, the narrowest since 1946, it is no secret that men still need to pay more attention to their bodies. Why? Some reasons include:

• Men tend to smoke and drink more than women and generally have less healthy lifestyles.
• Men do not seek medical help as often as women.
• Men tend to join in fearless, risky, dangerous behaviors more than women.
• Men also largely define themselves by their work, which adds to stress and to being disconnected from their emotional side. This can add to problems in relationships, as well as in jobs and careers.

Of course, not every man is like this and not every woman is like this. These are generalities that do not apply to every single person in the world. However, they are backed up by research, a sampling of men and women.

Happy Birthday NETboy!!

Today is NETboy's birthday.  And in typical fashion, he doesn't want a big to-do made over it.  He doesn't celebrate his birthday, as he loathed his childhood and never had a happy one.  I, of course, love birthdays and love celebrating that my loved ones were born and that I get to know them and spend time with them.

We're strapped for cash right now, so I wasn't able to get him a gift; I'm going to take him out to dinner instead.  The man spent the weekend cleaning the apartment for ME and it's HIS birthday.  I came home and he had cleaned almost every inch of the apartment and even made dinner for me. 

I celebrate that he was born and that I know him and that he is mine. 

That is what learning is. You suddenly understand something you've understood all your life, but in a new way.

~ Doris Lessing

I went back to Columbus over the weekend for the first time since I'd moved to Cleveland. I realized that the times that I was supposed to go back before now were foiled for a reason: I wasn't ready yet. I needed time to build a life here with NETboy before I went back to visit my old life.

I enjoyed being able to see some of my dear friends. However, soon after I arrived, I became ill and spent most of the rest of the trip in bed. I think it was working 14 hours a day for 2 months straight that finally caught up with me. My apologies to those with whom I had to cancel plans.

Saturday night, I was all alone. I was housesitting for a friend and had made plans with other friends, but again, was too ill to get out. However, I realized something. I didn't have a home in Columbus to go to anymore. No home of my own, anyway. I have lots of friends who have extra rooms in their homes for me, and for that I am grateful. But I have no place there to call my own.

I remember when I graduated from high school, from college, moving out of my parents' house permanently. I remember thinking, how odd it is that these things go on without me. It was weird to think of a new school starting without me being there. In some ways, I think we wonder that life continues at all without us; as if we were the catalyst for all.

That is how I felt Saturday night. Of course, I knew that life in Columbus would go on without me. It's just surprising when you are face to face with that fact. There I was, alone in the city I used to love so much, and for the first time ever, felt lonely. I had already canceled my plans, as I didn't feel well enough to go out. But I had no one at all to call. Everyone was busy and everyone assumed I was busy as well.

It is as it should be; life does go on, no matter what. It just always amazes me when I'm confronted with it. Sunday, I drove happily back to Cleveland and into the arms of NETboy, who had indeed missed me terribly. For him, life doesn't quite go on without me. And it's the same for me.

Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves.

~ Albert Einstein

Some profit off Va. Tech domain names

Phoenix man says it's OK because 'everyone is profiting' off tragedy

The Associated Press

Updated: 1:18 p.m. ET May 9, 2007

BLACKSBURG, Va. - When Fred McChesney heard about the Virginia Tech shooting spree on April 16, he says he was appalled. But what he did next has appalled many others.

Within hours of the rampage, the Phoenix man began buying dozens of domain names — CampusKillings.com, VirginiaTechMurders.com, SlaughterInVirginia.com — in the hopes of selling them later to the highest bidder.

McChesney, 48, said he saw it as an opportunity to show his contempt for firearms by featuring anti-gun content on the domains he is selling.

He also saw it as an opportunity to cash in.

"Everyone is profiting off of this," McChesney said. "I'm not hurting anyone."  {Really?  So if everyone is doing it, that makes it okay, OJ?}

Domain names related to the tragedy were snapped up almost immediately by people hoping to sell them off for a profit or use them to link to advertisers. The cost of registering such domains is generally less than $10 — but some are now being auctioned off for thousands.

While many consider the practice repellant, experts say it has become commonplace.

"Any time there's a big news event, people go register the domain names," said Christine Jones, general counsel for GoDaddy.com, the world's largest domain registration service. "Nine-eleven they did it, Katrina they did it, the tsunami in southeast Asia they did it."

Especially troubling to some is the registration of domain names related to those killed in the tragedy. On the same day the victims' names were released, people began registering domains named after the dead, such as JarrettLane.com. Victims' friends and family members seeking to create a memorial site under the same Internet address would then have to purchase it from the domain name owner — for whatever price the owner wants.

"If anybody is working to make a profit off of this tragedy by selling these kinds of things, it's just a crying shame," university spokesman Mark Owczarski said. "Obviously, you wouldn't want anybody to make a profit off something as horrendous as this."

Jeremiah Johnston, chief operating officer for domain name broker Sedo.com, said his company has shut down domains named after the victims as well as dozens of others related to the tragedy, including BlacksburgBloodbath.com and SchoolSlaughter.com.

"We do feel that they fly in the face of our offensive domain policy," Johnston said. "It is quite tasteless."

GoDaddy.com shut down one site purporting to raise money for the victims' families after university officials said they weren't aware of any such charity, Jones said.

But in general, there are few restrictions on what people can register. The Internet's key oversight agency, the Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers, has arbitration procedures for resolving disputes, but they cover only trademarks and service marks, which can include names of celebrities. Federal laws also focus on trademark owners, not the names of non-famous individuals such as the victims.

"It's kind of exploitative, but it's not really cybersquatting," University of South Carolina cyberspace law professor Ann Bartow said. "It's socially, normatively disgusting, but it's not trademark bad faith."

McChesney, who has been "hugely anti-gun" since his brother shot him in the face with a BB gun when he was a child, said he hopes to use some of his domains to draw attention to what he calls an epidemic of gun violence in America. [So THAT's what happened to him.  Must have gone straight to his brain and hit the dumbass factor.}

He also plans to give away his memorial domain names to Virginia Tech students, and has donated one so far. He hopes to sell others, such as VaTechTheMovie.com, to companies. So far, he hasn't sold any.

He understands that many will vilify him. But he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong.

"What I'm doing is the equivalent of rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic," he said. "Period."  {Ummm, yeah, that's a great defense. }

And I SO just became a Penn State fan

Taking out the trash

By Dan Wetzel, Yahoo! Sports
May 22, 2007

This spring, six Penn State football players were arrested and charged for crimes stemming from an off-campus fight April 1 in which at least 15 Nittany Lions were present. The charged included a couple of star players, although what apparently bothered coach Joe Paterno the most was how many of his kids were willing to be involved.

And so Paterno, 80 now but no less tough, no less disciplined, hatched a plan to set things right within his program. He'll let the local legal and student judicial process play out, but regardless he decided that to keep people from thinking his team was trash, it'll spend the fall cleaning it up.

According to Paterno, the Penn State football team will clean Beaver Stadium after each home football game this fall. It'll gather garbage, sweep stairs and maybe even hose parts down.

It'll be Notre Dame on Saturday, nacho spills on Sunday.

It's a job that usually goes to members of club sports on campus – say, rugby or crew – which do it to raise money so they can compete. Paterno said the clubs still will get the $5,000 for the job, but his guys, fresh off playing 60 minutes of major college football the day before, will do all the work starting Sunday morning.

"We're all going to do it, everybody," Paterno told the Harrisburg Patriot-News after a banquet in suburban Philadelphia. "Not just the kids that were involved. 'Cause we're all in it together. This is a team embarrassment. I wouldn't call it anything much other than that."

This is easily the greatest punishment in recent collegiate history, an absolutely diabolical, telling, high-impact bit of discipline that should remind one and all that what Paterno has been doing out in State College, Pa., all these years is more than just win 363 football games, including 20 the past two seasons.

In a coaching business so full of phonies who talk character only to bend the rules, who consider the definition of discipline a player's weight-room attendance, who wouldn't dare pull something like this because it might hurt recruiting, here's Joe Pa, four decades on the job and not giving a damn.

Except about what's right.

The incident was as simple as it was ugly. One player, Anthony Scirrotto, and his girlfriend were insulted and Scirrotto punched by passers-by on the street, according to the police. Ultimately, Scirrotto called some teammates, they rushed an off-campus party where the passers-by were and a brawl ensued. More players showed up later.

"He got a little irate, called up a couple of his buddies and said, 'Hey, come on down,' " Paterno said. "They went over there and they got in a fight."

Who was right and who was wrong still is being sorted out by the judicial system. Not by Paterno, of course. The details don't seem to matter to him. Rather than figure out which individuals did what, who arrived when, he decided to hammer the entire team, if for nothing less than lacking the leadership to stop the incident from getting out of hand.

On college campuses where football stars often are treated to a lower standard, Paterno is going, once again, for a higher one.

"I just thought that, hey, we had 14, 15 kids – I don't even know how many – that were involved in something embarrassing, and I think that we need to prove to people that we're not a bunch of hoodlums," he said.

The entire team also will have to build a house for Habitat for Humanity and volunteer for the Special Olympics this summer. But the worst punishment no doubt will be cleaning up Penn State's mammoth 107,282-seat stadium.

A job usually left for others now will be done by Penn State's multimillion-dollar football team. Paterno can't see how this is any different. All the kids on campus are the same, so if the rugby team can find the energy to clean the stadium, so can his guys.

"I don't condone (the fight)," Paterno said. "Our kids were wrong."

And across the nation college football coaches faint.

Most coaches have spent their offseason complaining about not being able to text butt-kissing messages to recruits. They no sooner would wear out their players on an off day with garbage picking than give up their country club memberships.

At too many places in college football, the kids never are wrong. Punishments often are things that actually help the team: more running, early-morning weightlifting. It is rarely public, rarely embarrassing and never, at least to my knowledge, a blanket shot across the entire team, a true call for leadership and shared values.

But this is why Joe Paterno is Joe Paterno

He isn't worried about hurt feelings. He isn't worried about potential recruits. He isn't worried about guys sacking garbage on Sunday morning.

He's worried about the reputation of his players, his program and his school. He's worried about cleaning things up immediately, starting with the stadium.

Dan Wetzel is Yahoo! Sports' national columnist. Send Dan a question or comment for potential use in a future column or webcast.

Random Childhood Stories Part 5

In honor of John Wayne's 100th birthday on Saturday....

1.  I remember when John Wayne was going to be on some Awards show, not long after he'd had his stomach removed due to cancer.  I was just a child, and as a child, you think your stomach is the whole area beneath your boobs down to your crotch.  I was so afraid of looking at him, because I thought he would be concave.  How would he wear his clothe with that big part of his front missing?

2.  I would get so involved with Little House on the Prairie that I would talk to the TV.

3.  However, most of my childhood was in my head.  I always played with any Barbies, toys, Little People, and do their voices in my head.  When my friends would come over and play and want to talk out loud, that seemed really odd and yes, stupid, to me.  I mean, shut up already, Barbie and Ken are falling in love.

4.  Barbie to me was never older than 16, because of course, that is the dream age for girls.   You know, sweet 16 and never been kissed?  Yet I still had her married to Ken and Skipper was their child.  So basically, she gave birth at....1.  Or, I just always fantasized about teenage pregnancy.

5.  I had Donny and Marie Barbie dolls.  Jealous?

6.  In my family, as my parents were born in the 30s and started having kids in the 50s, girls and boys were treated differently.  I always wanted to do things like help build a fence or paint the garage door.  I was never allowed.  My brothers had to do it.  The only time that I was thankful for that was when squirrels crawled into our chimney and then couldn't get out again.  God, I can still remember the smell.  Anyway, my brothers had to clean it out, not me.  Yuck!!!

Why did I invest my time in that?

Okay, I wonder, does the rest of The Sopranos viewers feel the same way I do and want our time back for this season?

I haven't watched it in about 2 or 3 years, but I used HBO on Demand and Wikipedia to catch up on it.  So I thought, well, I can finish it out. 

First of all, if anyone deserves to be killed off, it's Paulie.  He's clearly the worst of the group and he's probably the most deranged.  Not saying that the rest of them are saints, noooo.  But if he doesn't get killed off by the time the series ends, I'm going to be very disappointed.

Second of all, the way that AJ attempted suicide?  Minus the pool, that's how my nephew did commit suicide two years ago. 

Third of all, Christophuh was very annoying, so it was okay to see him go. 

Also, NETboy and I tried to watch Scarface, as it was on HBO the other night.  Yeah.  We couldn't make it past the first hour.  For me, I'm not an Al Pacino fan.  I have never found him sexy or romantic.  He plays the same character every time. 

I have never seen the Godfather films and it's looking like that might be a continuing status. 

I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.

~ Walt Whitman

Hi darlings, Lawgirl here.  Just wanted to say that I am still thinking about you and wishing you well.  I love the emails I get and I try to respond as quickly as possible.  As you know, I have this inordinate sense of fairness and so I try to answer them by date received.  :-)

Thanks for everyone's patience!!!

There's nothing in the world so demoralizing as money.

~ Sophocles

I loathe money.  I loathe the way it makes us feel when we don't have it.  Nothing can cut you off at the knee like lack of money.

Last year, before I was involved with the Sergeant, my finances were good.  Not great, but good.   Of course, if you read my blog posts, you know that I allowed myself to be put into a horrible situation in which I was ruined financially. 

This past January, when I was laid off from my job, things were great again, as I received 6 months worth of pay as well as cashed in my 401(k). However, I bought things that I needed, as well as some of the things I didn't.  I also gave some money to NETboy to help him out with his finances.  And so I'm poor again.

Yesterday, his car started acting up.  HIs mechanic allows you to pay over time; however, he is also 75 miles away.  So, I met him after work and followed him out there and then we drove back.  Turns out it wasn't the fuel pump, but the distributor cap.  So, only $175, but the mechanic also told him that the car would probably not last out the year. 

He drove my car today.  The check engine light came on.  Luckily, Auto Zone will check it for free, so we'll probably do that tomorrow night.  We were going to drive back out and pick up his car tonight, but we were both just too tired.  And yes, for good reasons, wink wink, nudge nudge.  :-) 

However, we had the best conversation on the way home last night.  It may not sound that way once I tell you what was said, but trust me, it was great.  First of all, he told me how stressed he was dealing with everything at once:  his job, his money,  the divorce, the car, us.  I know that relationships can be stressful.  And at that moment, all of the worry about our relationship left me.

I told him, you need to work some things out on your own.  He said, what do you mean?  I said, before we can really do couples counseling, you need to do some counseling on your own and get to a place where you're ready for a relationship.  That doesn't mean that we're breaking up; that doesn't mean that we aren't going to work on the relationship; it just means that we're not going to focus on US, as much as you need to work on YOU. 

I have been through therapy on my own; I know what it takes to get to this place.  And luckily, for men it's even easier if they'll just do it.   They let go of things much more easily than women do (this was from my psychotherapist).  He's willing to go ahead and do the counseling on his own, and then we'll bring me back in when he's ready to focus on us as a couple.

I explained, things will be so different once you've had this counseling, as you will be ready for this relationship.  He knows he loves me; he knows I'm The One; he just can't be that person until he goes through and deals with the crap he's been carrying around for 42 years. 

And yes, after all that, we still were able to be intimate once we arrived home.  So it really was great. 

Of course, today, he still is overwhelmed by his other pressures, but I'm not one of them, so he feels so much better just by being around me.  And it feels great.

Poor darling, though, he was up until 2 am last night because his mind wouldn't stop going.  I had the same problem this afternoon when I tried to take a nap.  We're both just stressed with money issues, but as I told him, sometimes it's our turn to be up and sometimes it's someone else's turn.  We're down right now, but it's not going to last forever. 

Everyone is feeling the pinch.  Everyone I know is struggling.  And there is just a little bit of consolation in that, as we're all in this together. 

ROFLMAO

OMG, if you're not reading www.rateyourstudents.blogspot.com, you are not getting your daily dose of laughter, not to mention commiseration if you're a teacher of any sort.

Having taught adults for 11 years, I can tell you, they're worse than teaching kids.  They have even LESS respect for their teachers than kids do.  This is a hysterical homage to the underpaid heroes, teachers.

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.

~ George Santayana

Just so we're all clear here, this is how the Nazis thought.

Report: 'Pillow angel' surgery broke law

Story Highlights

• Sterilization of profoundly disabled Washington girl violated law, investigation finds
• "Ashley's treatment" removed girl's uterus, breast buds, at parents' request
• Treatment has raised ethical questions, angered disability advocacy groups

By Amy Burkholder
CNN

NEW YORK (CNN) -- A hospital that performed a controversial procedure that stunted the growth and sexual development of a profoundly disabled child violated Washington state law by sterilizing her, according to an investigative report released Tuesday.

The case has raised medical ethics questions and rankled disability and feminist groups.

The Washington Protection and Advocacy System, a private group vested with federal investigative authority for people with disabilities, found that Seattle Children's Hospital and Regional Medical Center violated the constitutional and common law rights of a girl identified only as Ashley by performing a hysterectomy without a court order from the state.

"Washington law specifically prohibits the sterilization of minors with developmental disabilities without zealous advocacy on their behalf and court approval," said Mark Stroh, WPAS executive director, in a statement.

Children's Hospital, in acknowledging its error, said that beyond implementing changes to ensure that sterilization of disabled children doesn't happen again without a court order, it will seek court approval for other procedures involved in the controversial growth attenuation therapy.

"We deeply regret that a court order was not obtained," Dr. David Fisher, medical director at Children's Hospital said in a statement. "The parents consulted an attorney and obtained a legal opinion that concluded the treatment was permissible under Washington state law without the need for a court order. This is where our system broke down. We take full responsibility."

Ashley, 9, has a condition called static encephalopathy, which means an unchanging brain injury of unknown origin.

"It was like seeing a baby in a much larger body," said Dr. Douglas Diekema, director of education at Treuman Katz Center for Pediatric Bioethics in Seattle and chairman of the bioethics committee of the American Academy of Pediatrics, who was brought in to consult on this case.

"She would never talk, never walk, and was dependent on her parents to meet all her needs. Her cognitive function was the equivalent of that of an infant, unlikely to ever change." Family members call her their "pillow angel."

Working with pediatric endocrinologist Dr. Daniel Gunther, an ethics panel was convened by the hospital to consider the parents' radical request to keep her small forever, through an experimental growth attenuation therapy. The panel, agreed that the treatment was in the girl's best interest.

In 2004, when Ashley was 6, her uterus and breast buds were removed, and she received a high-dose estrogen therapy. As a result, Ashley was frozen as a child. She attained her full growth at 4 feet 5 inches and 75 pounds, with no reproductive capacity.

Ashley's parents say that compassion, not convenience of care, was their motive.

Writing on their blog, her parents said, "Ashley's smaller and lighter size makes it more possible to include her in the typical family life and activities that provide her with needed comfort, closeness, security and love: meal time, car trips, touch, snuggles, etc."

In an interview with CNN in January, Diekema said the ethics panel grappled with whether to permit the hysterectomy but ultimately sided with the family's attorney, who insisted the primary goal was not sterilization.

"As far as removing her uterus with a hysterectomy, there are many profoundly disabled children who are traumatized by menstruation," Diekema said. "The family wanted to spare Ashley that drama. Ashley's a little girl who already had experienced being terrified of blood."

The parents, in an updated entry on their blog Tuesday, reiterated that "given Ashley's developmental state and prognosis ... voluntary procreation was not applicable to her case and will never be."

"Sterilization is not the intent of the 'Ashley Treatment,' but a byproduct of it," they wrote, adding that while they support laws protecting against involuntary sterilization, they believe the law is "too broadly based" to "distinguish between people who are or can become capable of decision-making and those who have a grave and unchanging medical condition such as Ashley."

Diekema told CNN the ethics committee recognized that Washington state law was not perfectly clear with regard to whether a court order would be necessary to do the hysterectomy in someone who could not consent to the procedure.

One nationally known ethicist said he believes the hospital erred.

"I absolutely agree this procedure should have been reviewed by a court," said medical bioethicist Arthur Caplan. "There was not enough due process to look out for the young girl's rights, so I think that was a severe failure in deciding to do this procedure."

Some disability rights advocates say they believe the Ashley case sends a clear message about the rights of the disabled.

"The implementation of the 'Ashley treatment' raises serious concerns about the continuing discrimination faced by people with disabilities -- discrimination which is often based in stereotypes about their potential and value as individuals," Stroh said.

Disabilities attorney Stephen Rosenbaum agrees. "I have a lot of compassion for this family. And I'm not here to shoot darts at them," he told CNN's Paula Zahn. "But they should know that Ashley has a right to develop as a human being."

WPAS says it has no plans to take legal action against the hospital.

Doctors involved in the procedure said that Ashley is doing well in her family's care, which suggests to them it was the right thing to do.

Ashley's parents are devoted to her, Diekema said.

"A disabled child can be a big challenge for a family, and this was a family that clearly has devoted their lives to making life as good as possible for their daughter," he said.

OMG, I rank!!!

Wow, I was curious to see if my blog was ranked on Google and it is.  I have no idea what the number is, but googled lawgirl and i came up within the first 10 searches.  Actually, I came up 9th.  Out of 21,500 result.  Woot woot!!

Sorry, that just really stunned me.  Although, I know I should change my user name, since I'm not going to be a lawyer now, but I guess I'll stick with it.  :-)

Turbulence is life force. It is opportunity. Let's love turbulence and use it for change.

~ Ramsay Clark

Okay, so I've finally accepted that I live in Cleveland now.  I was driving around the other day and realized that I still need a social outlet besides NETboy.  A.  It's not fair to expect him to be my only source of companionship.  B.  I need places to go other than just home and the store.

So, I googled book clubs in my area and found a great website called www.meetup.com.  You can find folks with whom to play board games, with whom to go to movies, with whom to go to concerts, anything that your little heart desires.  I registered for the 2 book clubs in my area.  They both had meetings this week, but there was no way that I could get the books, read them, and then make the meetings.  So, I'll try again next time.  One of them is a doing a Harry Potter discussion in June in preparation for the new book coming out in July.  So, that should be a good time.

I'm also toying with going to a bipolar support group that meets on Monday nights. I just am not sure how NETboy will take that. I don't want to make him feel bad for something he can't help.  It's not his fault he's a bipolar, it's just genetics.  On the other hand, there are times when I need someone who knows the rollercoaster of loving someone who is a bipolar.  This man is so amazing, so kind and wonderful and smart.  It's heartbreaking when the disease takes over, because I know how great it can be.  I wonder if it's the same for people whose loved ones have autism. 

Goodbye Jerry Falwell, Moral Majority = Judgment of Others = Hurt and Shame

I am not saying that I agree with a loss of faith, I am saying that having faith in any man and expecting him to be like God is just plain silly.  On the other hand, perhaps those who judge and put express those judgments in such a public way don't know whom they've hurt.

First Person: Growing Up in Falwell's Church

What was it like to come of age in Falwell's church, among card-carrying members of the Moral Majority? A son of Lynchburg, Va., remembers.

WEB-EXCLUSIVE COMMENTARY

By Jon Groat

Newsweek

Updated: 7:56 p.m. ET May 15, 2007

May 15, 2007 - My mom used to say Jerry could move mountains. Always "Jerry," never "Falwell." In Lynchburg, Va., the Hill City, there are several Falwell families, and depending on which part of the city you're from, there are either good Falwells or bad Falwells. By using "Jerry," there is no ambiguity—everybody knows exactly which Falwell you're talking about. For my family, card-carrying Moral Majority members, he was a good Falwell. And that made me a "Jerry's kid."

My mom and dad fell in love with Jerry and his ministry early on. They were youth-group leaders in their Brown City, Mich., church and they took their high-school kids on cross-country tours of Bible colleges with the hopes the teens would attend Christian universities—"Christian" meaning "born-again" evangelical.  (In their strictly interpreted book, Catholicism and backsliding Protestantism wouldn't get you where you needed to go—namely the Promised Land.) So after one such trip they decided to move all five of us kids to the Blue Ridge Mountains so we could be part of Jerry's growing majority. He was "doing the Lord's work" and they wanted in.

My parents worked at his new school, Liberty Baptist College, now Liberty University. It was a natural move for my dad, who had been a teacher and a Christian counselor to troubled teens. Jerry had just started the Moral Majority two years earlier and was trying to right everything that was wrong with our country—the lack of prayer in our schools, the acceptance of abortion, the advancement of a homosexual agenda, the abandonment of God by our government. He was packing the pews in his massive Thomas Road Baptist Church (not quite "mega" by today's standards, but huge at the time). Ushers at the 11 a.m. service would rush in with folding chairs to accommodate the masses, dressed in their Sunday best. The overflow crowd would wait in the lobby, listening to the sermon over the speakers. If you were really late, your car would be banished to the far, far, far overflow parking lots, and you would stand the entire time.

And that was just the main service. As good believers—and as Jerry's employees—you were expected to attend Sunday school, Sunday-night services and Wednesday-evening prayer meetings, as well. And then there were the youth-group functions for us kids. We went to his Lynchburg Christian Academy day school. My brothers and sisters went on to his Liberty University. You could reach the age of 22 without ever meeting a "nonbeliever," someone to challenge your beliefs. And that was partially the point. Spare the rod, spoil the child.

In Jerry's school during the early '80s, you couldn't wear jeans; girls couldn't wear pants at all. There was no dancing, no rock and roll, no movies, no bad words like "shoot" or "poop." If you used one, you'd get your mouth washed out with soap at home, and a paddling at school. We watched the "Star Wars" movies in Liberty's gymnasium, probably several years after the fact—with all the ungodly scenes deleted and bad words dubbed out.

Jerry always said hi. I don't think he knew exactly who I was as a child but he recognized me as a Groat, and he would wave, often from the drive-thru of the Wards Road McDonald's. He liked to eat and he had a personality as big as his belly. He was a good ole boy with Southern charm, homespun jokes and a booming voice that commanded attention. Going to church every week was a spectacle, complete with TV cameras, hot lights, showy choral arrangements and our local star vocalists. Music and greetings lasted for half an hour (in addition to the cameras, the Baptists on stage faced a clock). The sermon went on for about 25 minutes (with lots of men murmuring "Amen"), followed by the altar call. Always the altar call and a chance to get right with God, to be saved, to be born again. Typically his wife, Macel, played "Just As I Am, Without One Plea" on the piano. Even years after I left the church and his beliefs behind—my God wouldn't send me to hell; after all, He made me gay—I always appreciated his charm. I could see how it was easy to fall in love with Jerry.

And many did. He talked about growing his church from a small gathering at the local Donald Duck bottling company to what became his television empire, "The Old Time Gospel Hour"—which spanned the globe, if not in truth then in our minds. He had a vision: a City on the Hill for the Hill City. He had created Liberty Mountain, the home of his university, from scratch; he had literally moved a mountain, and it only took faith, some hard work, and money—lots of money. He was always soliciting money for a new church or a Christian retirement home, a new sports arena that would take Liberty sports to the next level, an expansion of the university. We never questioned it, we just gave as we could. I once peeked at my Dad's tithe and it was well over God's required 10 percent.

Even after Jerry took over Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker's operation in the wake of the PTL scandal—raising money in an ultimately failed attempt to save it—and attendance at his own church began to wane (the folding chairs were no longer needed), we scoffed at the TV depictions of Jerry. The notion of him making power plays was ridiculous. He was doing the Lord's work, and it took a strong hand to make such vision happen. Yeah, he asked for lots of money but God's work takes a lot of that.

I remember my mom being especially excited about helping Jerry into his commencement regalia one year (there was even a photo!). It was a privilege to be so close, to be of use to someone God himself was using in such a special way. In our tiny conservative world, Jerry was a star.

When I was 14 my mom got sick with cancer, and Jerry stopped by the hospital room several times. He would pray with her and for her. A common practice, he put her at the top of the prayer list and asked for the congregation to pray for her at all the church services. "Pray for a miracle," he would say. She only left the hospital briefly in the months that followed. But she still insisted on going to church, auburn wig and ice-cubed lips and all. Jerry recognized her in the crowd, had her stand (barely, and with help on all sides). "We're praying for you," he said from the pulpit. And I'm sure that meant the world to her.

He officiated at her memorial service shortly after, shook hands and consoled us for our loss. He probably said something like, "It's hard for us to understand, but God has a reason. It's all part of His plan." For me, it was the beginning of the end of my faith. I was a momma's boy and I could never quite get over God taking her away so young—watching her balloon, yellow, crackle and die. I had prayed hard, hard like they said, prayed for a miracle. Plus, we had had Jerry on our side. He was the guy who could move mountains.

URL: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18686331/site/newsweek/page/2/

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.

~ Martha Washington

And for God's sake, she was married to a man with wooden teeth!!!

But I digress.  NETboy and I had our first couples counseling session last night, and I have to say, I really recommend this for everyone.  I'll tell you why in a second.

First of all, let me say how proud I am of NETboy for going.  He was completely nervous and unsettled about going, but he did it.  And truth be told, I was as well.  I realized that it was going back into an arena in which I had left with a bitter taste in my mouth.  My time in therapy before for the issues from my childhood had ended on a sad note, in that my therapist, who had become a second mother to me, simply just disappeared from my life a few months after I stopped being her patient.  This was a woman who would take me out to dinner for my birthdays, would buy me Christmas presents, gave me money all of the time, and I spent a lot of time with her.  However, she just kind of disappeared 7 years ago. 

Yesterday, I emailed NETboy to see if he wanted dinner before we went.  He said that he was going to meet me there, which freaked me out.  However, once he understood that I wanted to walk in there together, as a team, he did come home and surprise me and we went off to therapy together.

We really liked our counselor.  She was very easy to speak with and immediately set us at ease.  We don't have another appointment set up yet, but we will be calling her to schedule another one soon. 

I loved that NETboy sat with me on the loveseat and held my hand during the session.  And the counselor did pick up on our love for each other.  She said that it was clear that we love each other and that we complement each other very well.  She enjoyed our interactions. 

We went to dinner afterward and talked a little about the session, but more about our days.  It was nice and relaxing. 

Okay, why I recommend this for all couples:  I think it's safer to bring up issues in the company of a third person.  For one thing, you have someone who has no vested interest in this relationship, so she/he will not be on one side or the other.  For another reason, it's easier to say it in the company of someone else and know that 2 people heard it, so one of them actually had to hear what you said.  Lol.  You hope it's the one to whom you're saying it, but if not, she/he can help him hear what you said. 

But, you must  MUST find someone with whom both of you are comfortable.  You can't just find someone you think will be on your side. 

Now, the title of this post has to do with something that annoys the crap out of NETboy about me.  He doesn't understand how I can forgive him for things that he has done before or how I can be peppy everyday.  Well, the above quote says it all.   I am not going to let the things that have happened to me ruin my life.  I'm too strong for that.  And I can forgive NETboy because I've been where he is.  I've been that person, before my therapy.  So I also know where he can be. 

The path to our destination is not always a straight one. We go down the wrong road, we get lost, we turn back. Maybe it doesn't matter which road we embark on. Maybe what matters is that we embark.

~ Northern Exposure

Have you ever watched some animals who are being stalked for prey?  They freeze, as though if they don't move, they might be missed.  Maybe they can make the predator think it was a trick of their eyes. 

I have seen people do the same thing.  I've done it myself.  If I just keep things the way they are, well, they may not be great, but at least it's comfortable.  Getting stuck in a rut is something we all do, because there is comfort in familiarity.

When I decided to go to law school, my world expanded in more ways than just knowledge.  For the first time in YEARS, I met people who weren't part of the job, who weren't sharing my rut.  I met people who were doctors, nurses, teachers, biologists, political interns, engineers, and others who had just graduated from college. 

And, because I was able to get away from the daily churn at my old job, I realized possibilities existed outside of it.  So I chose that path.  After my 2nd year of law school, I realized I was on the wrong road.  But I had invested so much money, I couldn't just abandon it.  So, I kept going until I was forced out of it.

And then I got back into the rut that was my old job.  And I started slipping back into the comfortable and familiar crap.   Luckily, after just 6 months of being out of law school, my job was downsized.  And I could breathe again. 

Not everyone has this same experience when thy are downsized.  What worked out so well for me didn't work out so well for everyone else.  But again, it gave me the ability to get out of the rut. 

I can only tell you, that in my experience, just standing still and letting life "happen" to me was a gateway to hell for me.  I found that once I finally picked a path and took a step, other pieces fell into place.  And just like the quote says, sometimes I picked the wrong path (The Sergeant, for sure!!!) and sometimes I turned back.  But I didn't allow myself to stand still for very long.  And hey, it's much harder to hit a moving target, right ? :-)

You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters.

~ Plato

When I was younger, I saw so much of the world in black and white.  I was not going to ever have sex before marriage, I would never have an abortion nor would I tolerate anyone around me having an abortion, people who were addicted to drugs, alcohol, relationships were just too stupid to change their ways, and I would never change my thinking on any subject.

Of course, having lived life for 35 years now, I have changed my thinking on nearly every subject.  I did have sex before marriage.  For one thing, I am still not married and I became tired of waiting.  And yes, as one friend pointed out, I did think, geez, I waited all that time for THIS????  Granted, my first sexual experience was with a man whom I thought I loved (and I did, though I know now it wasn't being in love.)  But he had not been well taught by his previous lovers at all, so it was a painful experience for me.  And even though we dated for some time, it never got better with him.

As time went on and I experienced different partners, sex did get better.  And I'm happy to say, it's pretty great with NETboy.  Yes, I know, you're blushing.  I'll move on.

I have not had an abortion, but now I can see where being young and unmarried and not ready can play into that choice.  Whereas before, I could easily have cast aspersions on the character of any woman who had one, I can now see that it is an individual choice.  Do I think it should actually be a form of birth control, i.e. used many times by the same woman?  NO.  There are plenty of ways to prevent pregnancy; it's just that none of them are foolproof except for abstinence.  But be smart and use SOMETHING to protect yourself if you're not ready for a child.  However, if you become pregnant and just feel it's not the right time for you to become a mother, I can see where abortion could become necessary.  I think, right now (and not being pregnant), if I were to become pregnant, I would give birth and give the baby up. I have no desire to become a parent, but I know there a lots of people out there waiting for babies. 

When friends of mine would date people with drug or alcohol addictions, yes, I thought they were stupid.  How could you not see, this person does not have control over his life?  Why would you want to be a part of that???  Now I know that good people can become addicted to drugs and/or alcohol.  Personally, because I know I have an addictive personality, I don't drink and I've never tried drugs in my life.  That doesn't make me perfect.  I could easily, easily fall into an addiction if I wasn't careful.  But not everyone is able to do that.  Some people think that they can handle their alcohol or drugs just fine.  And they don't deserve to be hated or spat upon for that.  They deserve to be treated like human beings.

Through age, I've learned not to judge.  I've learned that there is so much that makes a person what he or she is today.  Every single event shapes us and affects the roads we choose.  Until we've actually walked in those steps, we're in no place to judge.  That doesn't mean it isn't okay to care about your fellow man and reach out.  I do that and try to just explain, hey, I see where you're at, and I've been there, and here's what worked for me.  And then I let it go.  The journey is theirs, not mine, and not my decision to make.  However, I think it's okay to have reached out, to let people know that I care.  At least once.

I'm glad of what I've learned and that I keep on learning.  I would hate to just stand still; had I held on to some of the beliefs above, I would have missed out on some pretty great people in my life. 

Sleep, work, NETboy, rinse, repeat

Where is Lawgirl?  Why doesn't she return my emails/calls/texts/smoke signals?  Doesn't she love us anymore?

1.  Of course I still love you.  How could I not?  I think of you everyday, I wonder how your life is going, I hope that you're well. :-)

2.  Work has been extremely busy.  I'm now working for another of my boss' websites, www.2theHilt.com.  And it's extremely difficult for me, only because I know nothing of the subject matter.  I'm a kinesthetic learner, so I have to know my subject inside and out before I reach my comfort level.  

Between both websites, plus a little support toward our Chicago showroom, www.iqmatics.com, I am slimed.  For the first time in 2 months, I'm visiting my mom.  I arrived here at 5pm and was working straight through until 10pm.  Literally, my mom had the pleasure of sitting next to me for 5 hours while I took and made phone calls, answered emails, and processed orders.  Maybe we'll get to spend some quality time together tomorrow. 

The Furniture Loft has been having a successful run.  You can find our furniture in the newly created Stoli Hotel, www.stolihotel.com, which is a traveling hotel featuring Stoli vodka.  It opened in LA and will travel to NYC next, then Chicago.  The people we worked with on that were just amazing.  Very friendly, very nice.

We have not had as much luck with Rachael Ray.  In fact, I'm kind of over her.  :-(  We were asked to overnight the table to them, for which we paid, they told us we would be featured on the show as well as their website.  We were told that the segment would likely air within 2 weeks from the day the feature was shot.  As of yet, we have no airdate and they are wrapped for the season.  And, they returned the table...and it's most likely unable to be sold again, as it was poorly shipped back to us. 

3.  I finally understand why some people don't turn on their computers or phones after they get out of work.  Since I'm on the phone so much during the day, being peppy and perky salesgirl, I shun the phone most of the time.  I don't mean to cut anyone off; just some days, the customers have taken so much from me, I have very little left to give.  Same with email.  I am on the computer for hours straight.  When I was at my last job, yes, I sat in front of a computer most of the time.  But it was a way to pass my 8 hours.  And, I could get up, move around, go to lunch.  Not with this job.  I rarely get time to eat.  I'm on, from morning to night.  And I don't get much time away.  So, after that, I really am kind of done with the world.  Again, not trying to cut anyone off from my life; I'm just completely exhausted and peopled out and really can't put sentences together anymore.  Don't get me wrong, I love this job; but it's demanding.

3.  <happy long drawn out sigh> NETboy.  We're in the nesting phase.  You know, the phase at the beginning where the rest of the world fades away?  We're still there.  We've been living together for a little over a month now and we just love being together.  Yes, we're pathetic.  We eat dinner together; usually I start it and he finishes it.  We watch our soap and other TV shows together.  And at 10pm, we go to bed.  It feels weird if one of us goes to bed without the other.  Yes, pathetic. 

When he gets home from work, I jump into his arms and we hug for at least 5 minutes.  Even though we chat during the day, we miss each other.  And I can't even tell you how much I miss him right now.  I love my mom and I know I needed to spend some time with her.  But this is our first time apart since we moved in together and it's hard.  It's hard to know he won't be in bed, sleeping next to me.  We love our cuddle time.  In fact, he said he's going to sleep on the couch, because he knows he won't be able to sleep without me in the bed.  I know, you can stop vomiting now.

He's my best friend.  I just can't get enough of time with him and he feels the same way about me.  We were exhausted one day a few weeks ago and we decided to lie down and take a nap together. We ended up talking for 3 hours and cuddling .  Just about our childhood memories and things like that.

It's like having a continuous slumber party with your best friends, but better.  It's just amazing.  He hugs me and I get so energized.  He is my rock, my strength.  I've waited for this my whole life.  And it was worth the wait. 

So that's me.  Pretty much.  :-)

From NETboy regarding May 15th Gas Out

Ok, everybody, you can stop sending me the email asking me not to buy

gas on May 15th. I've gotten it 16 times in the past 3 days.  Here are
the facts:

Spring seems to be a time of year that brings out irrational behavior in
many of us. Congress talks about balancing the budget. Chicago Cubs fans
revive hopes of winning the World Series. And American drivers who are
passionate about pump prices begin organizing a gasoline "boycott"
aimed at "sticking it to Big Oil."

Unfortunately, even if this boycott were to live up to the hopes of its
organizers — including everyone who has forwarded this e-mail in the
past few weeks (you know who you are) — it would have zero impact. None
whatsoever. But before I get to the reasons why, let's do a little fact
checking.

Let's start with the price impact of that alleged "gas out." In the
first week of April 1997, the average price of a gallon of gasoline
nationwdie was $1.248. By the end of the month, the weekly average was
$1.24. If there was a one-day drop of 30 cents a gallon, it doesn't
show up in the statistics compiled by the Department of Energy. (I
realize that most of the emailers who are passionate about pump prices
believe that this government agency is just a shill for the oil
industry, ready to cover up what's "really going on." But humour me
just this once.)

Some of the other numbers in this widely circulated mail don't add up
either. There are more like 200 million-plus Web users in the U.S., not
73 million. And the $2.3 billion daily revenue figure assumes everyone
fills their tank every day, which they don't.

But even if these numbers were correct, it wouldn't matter.

The real problem with this idea is that — as some versions of this
e-mail helpfully suggest —these "boycotters" simply top off their tanks
May 14 or wait to fill them up May 16. All that does is shift sales from
one day to another. Any money "lost" from lower gasoline sales on May 15
will be made up with higher sales on the days before and after the
"boycott."

To have a real financial impact, you'd have to figure out how to get
people to keep their cars off the road for the whole day — cutting
actual consumption. Of course, you'd also have to shut down ambulance
services, police cars, fire trucks, delivery vans, etc. And don't
forget all those other gas-powered devices: Every landscaping crew
would have to take a holiday on one of the busiest days of the year.

But suppose that, through some magical force of nature, you managed to
shut down every gasoline-powered vehicle and device for one day. Let's
look at how much money would be involved and what would happen to it:

Based on current demand of about 386 million gallons a day, at $3 a
gallon, the total value of gasoline sold daily in the U.S. comes to
almost $1.2 billion. But that's the total retail value — the pot of
money that's divvied up along a chain of oil producers, pipeline
operators, refiners, wholesalers, truckers and retailers. Let's follow
the chain and see who gets to keep what.

Crude oil
The biggest chunk of change — about 53 percent of the pump price of each
gallon of gasoline — goes to pay for the crude oil used to make it. So
in theory, $624 million of the "boycott" would "hit the pockets" of oil
producers, whether domestic or foreign.

The problem with this part of the boycotters' plan is that, just like
drivers topping off their gas tanks before and after May 15, refiners
work off stockpiles. So if all U.S. refiners bought $624 million less
crude oil on Tuesday, they could just buy a little more on Wednesday to
bring their stocks back up. Even if they somehow canceled delivery of
oil they'd already contracted to buy, any oil not delivered to U.S.
refiners would be sold to other customers.

True, if you suddenly took 10 million barrels of oil off the market for
a day, you might knock the spot market price of crude down a notch. But
much of the oil sold every day is priced under long-term contracts. So
if your 10 million barrels went undelivered for 24 hours, you wouldn't
change the price that a refiner had already paid for it. Even if, for
some reason, that 10 million barrels went unsold, it would still be
sitting in the ground with an oil producer's name on it, ready to be
sold later — possibly at a higher, and more profitable, price.

Taxes
About 19 percent of the pump price of each gallon represents taxes. So
the next big chunk of cash from a day's worth of unsold gasoline —
about $228 million — would come out of the budgets of federal, state
and local governments, not oil industry profits. Since that money is
used to pay for programs and purchases that have already been approved,
you'd have to make up the difference by raising other taxes, or cutting
spending, or some combination.

Refining
Now comes the part that makes most would-be boycotters see red: the
refiners' cut. Another 19 percent of our $1.2 billion in daily gasoline
purchases pays for the cost of making the gasoline, including the
refiners' profits. That money also goes to pay refinery workers'
salaries, new equipment, maintenance and all the other costs of running
a business.

So just how much goes to "line oil refiners' pockets?" According to
researchers at the investment firm Friedman, Billings and Ramsey, the
average profit margin for converting a barrel of crude oil into
gasoline in the first quarter of this year came to $15.75 — or about
37.5 cents per gallon. (In the oil patch, there are 42 gallons in a
barrel.)

With gas prices at $3 a gallon, that's about 12.5 percent margin, or
about $150 million a day — not a bad profit for a day's work.

I am going the f*** back to bed....

First this:

Well guys, I won't be able to make it down this weekend. You can thank the movers of Mr. Mover. Well, and my own bad luck. When they moved me and it was less than the $1100.00 I was quotes, I wrote the movers themselves a check for $100.00 as tip. However, when the van broke down just a week later, that check bounced. I quickly wrote to the admin assistant, explaining the situation. I asked that the check not be attempted to be cashed again, and that I would rectify the situation as soon as possible, as I truly did feel guilty about it.

However, they chose to cash the check yesterday. I didn't get paid until today and I hadn't put in the money Jason sent me yet, so my account went negative. After I pay rent today, I have $15 until next Tuesday. I simply don't have the gas money and the money to go out and eat.

I'm sure you can understand that these are tough times for everyone. I would love to see you guys, but I just can't do it this weekend. We'll try again at the end of May.

Love to you all. Miss you. But like I said, we'll try again at the end of May.

And then this:

Me to NETboy via email: And I love you. Very much.

But I fail to see the logic of this:

You're up. You're dressed. But instead of taking the dog out (who had been in for close to 14 hours), you went on to work. Which means I had to go ahead, get up and get dressed, take the dog out, and then come back in and try to fall back to sleep.

I love you, but I really wish you would take the dog out on the mornings you go to work.

I don't mind doing it the rest of the time. But I don't like having to get out of bed when I don't have to.

And then this:

NETboy and myself through IM:

Lawgirl: will you please start taking the dog out in the mornings?

NETboy: Yes, but please don't remind me to do it the second I am walking out the door

Lawgirl: okay, that's fair

Lawgirl: although I can't imagine needing to be reminded

NETboy: Well, there you go

Lawgirl: it's a living, breathing creature that needs to go to the bathroom just as much as we do

NETboy: And my ex, having insomnia, always let them out. I haven't had to "walk" a dog in 4 years

NETboy: Kinda becomes a habit

Lawgirl: I can imagine, since I haven't owned a dog since I was 13

NETboy: So, we both need to learn how to take care of the dog

F*** today. I am going back to bed. What a shitty day.