Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear

- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

2006 is a year I won't miss very much. I am looking forward to 2007. However, before I get there, I should look back on 2006 and:

Reflect on...

Health

It was a slightly better year than last year for health. I did learn that I had sleep apnea and arthritis in my knees. And, of course, I am still receiving treatment for the bone spurs in my neck. I know, that doesn't sound like it was better, but I didn't have any allergic reactions or problems with blood pressure. So, I'm voting it was better.

In 2007, I plan on seeing a rheumatologist. I'm becoming more and more certain I have fibromyalgia - A syndrome characterized by chronic pain in any of various muscles and surrounding soft tissues (such as tendons and ligaments), point tenderness at specific sites in the body, and fatigue. Inflammation is absent, and the cause is unknown. My mom has it and it's hereditary. I have all of the symptoms.

I also plan on giving up fast food. I feel so much better when I don't eat that crap. Plus, I don't need the added costs.


Romantic Relationships

Well, this was not a banner year for those. But things are looking up.

eHarmony guy has become a friend, although there are moments. Just like yesterday when he called me to cry on my shoulder about why his life is so horrible. Then of course, he tells me that I should never tell any new man about the stuff with my father, because that's a huge turnoff. This of course reminds me of when he said that I must have enjoyed being molested, since I never turned my father in. Oy! But I let it go. He will not change.

The Sergeant is as clueless as ever. After I told him that I was not going to allow him to move back in, he called and said that maybe someday we would be able to get back together. Right. And someday, men will wish women had smaller breasts and would stop giving blowjobs.

Things seem to be going well with NETboy. I received another surprise from him. We were chatting online one night last week and I was telling him how much I love Bugs Bunny, especially the ones with the big orange monster (named Gossamer, by the way.) He went online and bought me a mousepad with the scene where Bugs is giving Gossamer a manicure. Love it!!!

I was chatting with NETboy's sister online last night and she asked when I knew it was time to settle down. I found myself saying that my father's death seemed to set me free. After he died, I didn't have to worry about introducing a man to him or anything like that.

I learned alot about myself this year in regard to men. I learned that I am not the type of person who can have sex without attachments. I need to learn the stages of a normal relationship. I think that NETboy is really helping with that.

Other relationship

It's been a mostly good year for my friends and me. I did have an issue on a couple of things with a few of my friends. Here is the gist of the email I sent out to a few:

I wish we could talk in person. But I know everyone is slimed before
the holidays.

I need to let you know how important your friendship is to me. I love
just about everything about it. Oops, you caught the "just about"
part, didn't you? :-)

Having you and X and Y and others stay away from me for the
last couple days turned out to be the best decision I've made in a
long time. I'm not saying that to be mean. But it did show me how
much better I did without everyone giving me their opinion and
reminding me of past mistakes and how I can't be trusted to make
decisions anymore.

No, no, no, I know that's not your intention. I know that you and the
others love me. And, truth be told, you have definitely been better
since we both learned from our mistakes from before. But it's still
there. I still feel like I have to beg for forgiveness from you and
from them for my past mistakes. And I shouldn't have to do that.

I am human. I know I try to be perfect, but I'm not. But I do try to
accept others as they are. I know that I haven't walked in your
shoes, in X's shoes, in Y's shoes. I can't judge you for
decisions you've made until I've experienced your entire life, because
when we make decisions, it's not just based on that moment; it's based
on life experience. And that's soooo individual.

Every time I was happy, people would say, well, just be careful. Come
on, when have you ever fallen in love carefully???? :-) That's the
whole joy of it. And though I regret being hurt, I don't regret
falling in love. I don't regret dreaming the dreams I had.

So, what I'm asking is this:

1. To be forgiven for the horrible mistakes I've made. I know it was
horrible for you to watch and I appreciate you going through it with me.
2. To be trusted again to make good decisions. You've lost your
faith in me (or at least that's how it's coming off) and I need to
know that you can get it back.
3. To just listen when I need you to listen. Have you ever noticed
that when I listen to you, I make the noises you want to hear?? I
sympathize, I agree, I say, those bastards!!! That doesn't mean that I
agree with everything you do or every word that comes out of your
mouth; it's just that I know that you want to hear that, not, well,
you've made so many mistakes and you're rushing again.

I love you. I don't want to feel this way every time something goes badly for me. I don't want
to feel like I can't share things with you.

Love you so much and want you to have the greatest holiday season ever,
Lawgirl

Thankfully, it was taken with the spirit it was sent and all is well. :-)

Money

Horrible year for money. Wow. I made such a horrible, horrible mistake with the Sergeant. The entire time that I was signing for that damn bike, I was sick to my stomach. I knew it was wrong; but I wanted to make him happy. Now, my credit is ruined. Yes, someday it will be better. But for now, I am still between a rock and a hard place.

My credit card companies have offered to let me pay off the cards at 0% interest and a lowered monthly payment, which is great. But that damn bike is still there. I can't give it away. So, now I have to make the decision as to whether or not to file bankruptcy. I still think it's the better option.

For 2007, I am hoping to make a budget (again) and stick to it (again).

Career

Wow, another sucky topic. Law school is done. Have to admit, I don't really miss it. I was exhausted. Would I have like to have finished? Of course. But I don't think that my health could have handled it.

I like what I do. I just hate the company and its practices. And my boss sucks. A lot. At this point, I am hoping that the freelance writing career takes off. I would love to work from home and work on a lot of different projects.

NETboy is also helping out with the career. He's taught me how to write technical resumes. He's trying to get his boss to hire me as a contract writer for them, but his boss is dragging his feet. That's fine. When it's supposed to happen, it will happen.

In general

I'm feeling more like my old self for the first time in two years. I feel strong again. I don't feel so fragile, like I'm about to break every minute. I expect a lot out of myself and that is something that I hope I don't change. What I do need to change is how I deal with other people's expectations. There are a LOT of areas of my life where I couldn't care less what people thought. And, I don't care what strangers think at all, of course. But I am a pleaser by nature.

I need to get back to being happy with me. When I was there, nothing could shake my confidence. I let the Sergeant take that from me. I let that happen. And I have taken responsibility for that. I have learned, however, that in a relationship, sometimes a little humility goes a long way. It's a question of when it turns sad, I guess.

So, to all of my darling friends, I wish you the best in 2007. I hope your dreams and wishes come true.

So far, so good

NETboy and I had a wonderful time last night. We left this morning and I traveled back here to enjoy time with some friends. Many good signs from NETboy:

1. He called right after we parted and said he missed me.
2. He called me later on in the afternoon.
3. He called me before he crossed the border into Canada.
4. Within a half hour of arriving at his sister's, he got online and IM'd me.

So, perhaps the curse of us getting together and him running scared is broken. Things are looking very good.

Not guhn do it (spoken like George H.W. Bush)

The Sergeant called me on Tuesday and asked if my offer to him of staying with me while he's down with the chemo was still there. I said, yes. He said, what if I lose my apartment? I stumbled around and said, well, we'll talk about that when it happens. But I sat down yesterday and wrote him this email:

I still extend my offer to let you stay for a few days when you're too sick to go upstairs to use the restroom after your chemo treatments. That being said, I can't see any good coming out of you moving back in with me should you lose your apartment. It's not that I don't care; but even when we thought we were in love, we didn't do well living together. If my place were bigger, it might be different.

I am sorry. I just feel that would be moving back in time and it was not a good time for either one of us. I think that if you talk to your attorney and see what can be done about your child support while you're going through this, it would really help your financial situation.

I hope that you understand from where I'm coming. Like I said, if it's for a couple of days, I'm fine with that. But something more permanent would not be good for us.

He just responded with "ok." Oh well. I can't save him. And really, I don't want to try.

Happy One Month Anniversary

Yes, NETboy and I are celebrating our one month anniversary today. I know, I know, we've already broken up twice, but decided to keep the date of our first date (November 29) as our anniversary date.

He surprised me on Wednesday by saying he could come down today, spend the night, and then go to Canada from my place. I told him that was dumb and that I would drive up there instead and stay the night and then he wouldn't have to add 2.5 hours to a drive that's already 5 hours. So, I got up at the butt-crack of dawn and came into work early so that I could leave early to drive to Cleveland. :-)

Yay!!! Apparently he has two surprises for me.

Things are going MUCH better.

What did you expect?

(I actually had a better title for this one and am ticked I can't remember it. Ah well.)

People are going on and on and on and on about the deaths of Gerald Ford and James Brown. Here's the deal: From the minute you're born, the next thing that's going to happen for sure is....you're going to die. Why are people always so surprised when this happens? I know, I know, it can be shocking when someone young dies. It can even be shocking to your system when you've watched someone die over a period of time from disease. But darlings, it's a sure thing.

We are all going to die. We are not meant to live forever. Our bodies fail. Celebrate the moments you do have here. Enjoy the time together with those whom you love. I will leave this earth someday; so will you. Each of us has an allocated time; we don't usually know how much we have left. However, we can still enjoy the time we do have and when it's done, be glad it happened.

And for God's sake, plan for your death!!! This does not mean be morose about it; this means make the arrangements. Get your will in order, buy the funeral plots if that's the direction in which you want to go and get it all paid for now. It's the one thing you know for sure is going to happen, but very few people want to think about it or plan for it. When you have a baby, don't you go out and buy a crib and diapers and clothing and formula? Well, why don't you do the same thing for your death?

Sorry, I know it seems like a down topic, but it's really not if you choose to approach it in a different way. It's a fact of life and it needs to be dealt with. In the end, the plans you make today will make it easier on everyone when your time comes.

A response to a friend regarding where I'm at on NETboy

I have discovered (and this is just me sharing, not looking for advice, although I am willing to listen to commiseration) that I don't know the stages of a normal relationship with men. I either know not having one and having one. But the in between isn't something I'm used to dealing with and that's what makes it so hard right now. NETboy is teaching me, I guess. I did some reading online about relationships and men in general last night. Wow, I keep thinking I'm so evolved because I don't play games - turns out, that's what they seem to want!!! They don't want to know that you're theirs....they want to know that you are wanted by others and that they have to compete for you.

So, if playing the game is what might work....i guess i'll have to do it. Although, I do it under protest. I'm such a say what I mean and mean what I say person, it's hard for me to adapt to this playing thing. But I'll give it a shot.

So, as much as I want to say, NETboy, I'm yours and all that junk...he really wants to hear, I could be yours but I'm keeping my options open. This is so strange to me, but I read it over and over and over last night. And his behavior reflects it.

It's true, I don't want to feel as though I'm just reacting over and over again to his actions. So, I'm trying to learn the delicate balance of getting what I need and letting him have what he needs as well. UGH!!! It's not easy, but it's necessary.

My whole life I have been able to learn about things easily. Need to know how to run Excel? I read the manual. How to cook? Read the recipe. How to be a good listener? Read the psychology book. Deal with men? ummmm.....yeah. And it's so frustrating to me that I can't just conquer it. It is probably the only thing in the world that scares me - that I can't get it right. Oh, I know that, just as in parenthood, there is no finish line in love. There isn't a prize; you don't win and get to just sit back on the trophy. But I can't even seem to qualify for the race sometimes. And that's what I'm working on.

NETboy, to me, is worth fighting for. At least, for now. I don't know where it will go. I wish I could see into the future. For now, I am willing to see what happens. He knows that I will not go through the pain I went through last week again. I can't. So, we'll see.

Why Christmas, well, sucks sometimes...most of the time...(ends cheerfully)

Besides all of the obvious commercialism crap regarding Christmas, I have my own personal reasons for wanting to just get through the time from Thanksgiving until New Year's.

1. I am a giver by nature. I love to give my friends things, surprises, my time. Christmas is all about giving. And I have been too poor for years now to afford Christmas presents for anyone but family. And for the last two years, I haven't been able to afford that. Of course, I take responsibility for that in that I buy stuff for myself through the year or I spend a lot at birthdays. But it just sucks to know that while everyone in the world is giving stuff away, I am only receiving and every single present makes me feel just a little bit worse about my situation. I know that the gifts are well-intentioned and that no one thinks less of me; it's my own standard to which I'm failing to live up.

2. I can't remember the last time I had a great Christmas. You know, the kind that makes you think of how you felt as a kid. When I was a child, I loved Christmas. The decorating, the music, the broadcasting of the usual Christmas specials and such. The gathering of family and the making of the food. Forever in my mind, the smell of onions and celery sauteing in butter equals holidays. Since my parents moved into a smaller house, it's hard to have everyone here at one time, so we haven't done that for awhile. Let's see....the last great Christmas was definitely before 2004.

3. Christmas of 2004: Major snowstorm. I couldn't get home until Christmas Eve and because I couldn't get out and didn't have money to shop before that last paycheck before Christmas, I couldn't shop before Christmas. So, by the time I finally got up to my parents', I didn't have gifts for them. So, I begged them to let us do Christmas on the 26th. I went ahead and bought them presents on the 26th and then we had Christmas.

4. 3 weeks after that Christmas, my dad died. And then my nephew committed suicide not long after that. So, Christmas of 2005 sucked because it was our first Christmas without my dad and my nephew.

5. Christmas 2006. Well, some things are better. I am in a decent relationship with NETboy. But again, still no money to buy presents and getting poorer all the time.

I hate that I can't take care of everyone that I love. It's what I want to do more than anything.

So, if I had the money, here is what I would buy:

Mom: gift cards for all that she needs, such as groceries, gas, and prescriptions
NETboy: Not going to name the stuff, because I might just squeeze some gifts out after the 1st of the year
My sister and her hubby: a coupon for couples massages
My older brother and his family: giftcard for a meal out (there are 7 of them)
My other older brother and his family: giftcard for a meal out (they're in financial trouble)
Wehbmaztyr and Wifey and the family: a maid service for a week, plus enough money so that Wehbmaztyr could go to school and Wifey could stay home.
Joradance and her hubby: Money so that they aren't worried about her office closing and him being out of work right now due to a hernia
The Ks: Money so that they could start building their dream house this year instead of next
Jujujen and her hubby: Money so that they could build on to their house and put his mother in a mother-in-law suite
The Ms: Enough money so that JM could stay at home with the kids
Dozer girl: Money for an invisible fence so that the doggies can run in the yard without being tied up
ChicagoMusicGal: A weekend getaway with her hubby
The Ss: I would pay for their next vacation, as they love them so much

So that's what I wish I could do. The only thing I can do right now is wish you love, peace, joy, and the beauty of a new day. I hope that you are with the ones you love and that you cherish every minute with them.

If you have children, I hope that you are experiencing the excitement and joy of Christmas with them. Whether or not you have children, I hope that you are remembering the spirit of Christmas. It doesn't matter what your religious affiliation is, you can still enjoy the spirit of this time of year and whether or not you believe in Jesus, you can still remember that for which He stands. It doesn't matter whether or not you think He is the savior or if you just think the stories are nice things people tell themselves to get by. The spirit of the message is the same: Every day is a new beginning, fresh without mistakes. It's a new chance to make things better. Grab it.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

Update on NETboy

Sorry it's been awhile since I've posted on this. On Thursday, NETboy and I had a loooong talk. We both made concessions. However, I did ask him to take responsibility for several things and he did. He apologized for shutting me out; and admitted it's something that he can work on. So, this is the 3rd time we're giving this relationship a shot in as many weeks. It's either meant to be or we're just signing up for more pain. Only time will tell.

I care about him a great deal. He stimulates me more than any other man ever has; most of the men I've dated could get me going emotionally and physically (although that part was more for them than for me), but he is the first who stretches my brain. Intellectually, he is far superior to me. Under that, though, is the fact that we share the same gift for remembering trivia and that a lot of the same socioeconomic issues intrigue us. He's even interested in the Holocaust in the way that I am.

I cannot go through what I went through this week again, though. It took a physical toll on me beyond anything has in a long time. I was exhausted and I'm sure that didn't help any of my health concerns.

For now, I am willing to stay and see what happens. I have made it clear, though, that I will not accept such treatment again. I understand that part of his fear lies in the feelings that he has for me; his feelings are very intense I have those same feelings, but I'm not scared of them in the way that he is. And I know that's just a basic difference between men and women. I'm not putting down men by saying that; inherently, women are more comfortable with emotion.

He stated that our weekend together was intense. For me, it was just normal and wonderful. He was overwhelmed by the emotions he felt for me. So, he shutdown and ran away. Again, can't put up with that. Communication is key. We've agreed on a safe word that we can both use if we feel the need to back off for a little while and regroup.

So, this is where it is. And for now, it's more than enough.

Today's Chimp-o-matic Gem

You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test. --George w. Bush Townsend, TN02/21/2001

Hmmmmmm....

This was my response to a friend asking me how things were with NETboy today:

Well....hmmm....it's an interesting thing. Of course, like I said, he now wants to work it out. What I asked of him was consistency, and I suppose in a way, I'm getting it. He has only called me once since Monday. That was last night and I had to let him go, because a friend invited me out for an impromptu dinner last night, since she was here until 6 as well.

So then I called him back and he didn't answer, but I do know that he does talk on the phone with his boss quite a bit after work, because the boss works from home. He emailed me later and told me he was the phone and then working.

I received an IM from the guy, the one that has been the only one to give me the O during sex. He apparently has been upset that I haven't been in contact. I said, OGuy, I'm so sorry, but I have been busy and I did meet someone. He told me that he thinks about me every day. Well, that doesn't mean that there are feelings there; it's just that we connected well physically and he would like a repeat performance.

What stunned me though, is how I had to fight myself to not let him come over. Before this fight with NETboy, couldn't even imagine another man touching me. So it just goes to show how much my feelings have fallen.

And when NETboy still didn't do his customary call first thing this morning (as he hasn't done since the fight), it didn't bother me.

Ha!!!!

Scientists link weight to gut bacteria

By SETH BORENSTEIN, AP Science WriterWed Dec 20, 5:54 PM ET

Maybe it's germs that are making you fat.

Researchers found a strong connection between obesity and the levels of certain types of bacteria in the gut. That could mean that someday there will be novel new ways of treating obesity that go beyond the standard advice of diet and exercise.

According to two studies being published in Thursday's issue of the journal Nature, both obese mice and people had more of one type of bacteria and less of another kind.

A "microbial component" appears to contribute to obesity, said study lead author Jeffrey Gordon, director of Washington University's Center for Genome Sciences.

Obese humans and mice had a lower percentage of a family of bacteria called Bacteroidetes and more of a type of bacteria called Firmicutes, Gordon and his colleagues found.

The researchers aren't sure if more Firmicutes makes you fat or if people who are obese grow more of that type of bacteria.

But growing evidence of this link gives scientists a potentially new and still distant way of fighting obesity: Change the bacteria in the intestines and stomach. It also may lead to a way of fighting malnutrition in the developing world.

"We are getting more and more evidence to show that obesity isn't what we thought it used to be," said Nikhil Dhurandhar, a professor of infection and obesity at Louisiana State University's Pennington Biomedical Research Center.

"It isn't just (that) you're eating too much and you're lazy."

Dhurandhar wasn't part of the research, but said it may change the way obesity is treated eventually.

He said the field of "infectobesity" looks at obesity with multiple causes, including viruses and microbes. In another decade or so, the different causes of obesity could have different treatments. The current regimen of diet and exercise "is like treating all fevers with one aspirin," Dhurandhar said.

In one of the two studies in Nature, Gordon and colleagues looked at what happened in mice with changes in bacteria level. When lean mice with no germs in their guts had larger ratios of Firmicutes transplanted, they got "twice as fat" and took in more calories from the same amount of food than mice with the more normal bacteria ratio, said Washington University microbiology instructor Ruth Ley, a study co-author.

It was as if one group got far more calories from the same bowl of Cheerios than the other, Gordon said.

In a study of dozen dieting people, the results also were dramatic.

Before dieting, about 3 percent of the gut bacteria in the obese participants was Bacteroidetes. But after dieting, the now normal-sized people had much higher levels of Bacteroidetes - close to 15 percent, Gordon said.

"I think that gut bacteria affects body weight," said Virginia Commonwealth University pathology professor Richard Atkinson, who wasn't part of the research team and is president of Obetech Obesity Research Center in Richmond. "I don't think there's any doubt about that and they showed that."

The growing field of research puts more importance in the trillions of microbes that live in our guts and elsewhere, crediting it with everything from generations of people getting taller to increases in diabetes and asthma.

People are born germ-free, but within days they have a gut blooming with microbes. The microbes come from first foods - either breast milk or formula - the exterior environment, and the way the babies are born, said Stanford University medicine and microbiology professor David Relman, who was not part of the study.

For decades, doctors have treated bacteria in a "warlike" manner, yet recent research shows that "most encounters we have with microbes are very beneficial," Gordon said.

"Much of who we are and what we can do and can't do as human beings is directly related to microbial inhabitants," Relman said.

___

And of course now..

he wants to work it out.  Now that I sent that email (posted below) he wants to work it out.  And he says that he knew it was someone fooling with him. 

It is finished - Jesus on the cross

I will miss you, NETboy.  I saw such a wonderful future with you.  Over the internet and phone, you're so great.  And in person, you're even better.  But twice after seeing each other, you withdrew and that is just not going to grow a relationship.  It sends us back to square one over and over. 

 

I was open to the things that you wanted, such as not feeling as though you were so tied down.  But I didn't feel the give and take that goes with relationships.  It seemed to be your way or no way, such as when you said I didn't listen well and that I needed to stop acting like your ex.  Even when I tried to do things your way, there was no reward:  You wouldn't talk to me on the phone nor email nor IM.  The lines of communication were shut down.  And that is always death for any relationship.

 

I went into this knowing that we lived far apart, knowing that you were already married to your job, knowing that trying to be in a relationship with a bipolar person is not easy.  But I fell hard for you, because I thought you were such a fabulous person.  And there are great things about you, NETboy.   Long distance (physically) relationships are not tough for me.  Long distance (emotionally) relationships are impossible for anyone. 

 

When I would tell you I missed you, I think that you took that as a sign I was complaining about the distance.  That wasn't true at all. I was just saying that I enjoyed our time together, enjoyed being close with you.  It was fine for you to text me over and over again, but if I did it, well, then I was crowding you.  It was okay for you to call me whenever you wanted, but when I called alot, it was me crowding you again.

 

The rules were something I just couldn't quite get down.  And then I realized, I shouldn't even be trying to do that.  We should have been talking (on the phone, not through IM where things get misconstrued) and working things out.  I called you three times, sobbing, asking you to talk, and you were coldhearted enough to not even bother to return my calls.  I couldn't have done that to anyone. 

 

I am looking for that "forever" relationship.  I thought that was you.  Things that we spoke of looked to be heading in that direction.  I guess you were just saying what you thought I wanted to hear.  I don't know if your intentions were good or not; I would like to hope that they were.  But intentions and actions are two different things.  Sure, you did the romantic things:  sent me flowers, wrote me a song and had it recorded, named a star after me.  But relationships are not built on romance; it's the tough stuff that makes them or breaks them.  I know you can handle tough things; you have your battle scars from those.  But I don't know that relationships are important enough to you for you to try.  Or maybe it was just this one.

 

In any case, I deserve someone who is willing to fight for the relationship.  I deserve someone who will put me first in his life.  I know that men define themselves by their jobs, just as women define themselves by the family they've built.  I would never begrudge you long days at work, late nights, or weekends away for the job. NEVER.  That is not who I am.  But that's how things were taken, and when I tried to explain, I was shut out.  

 

I think you're an amazing person, NETboy.  I was ready to leave my friends and the city in which I've lived for 16 years to be with you.  I believed in you that much.  

 

You have said that you admire strong women.  However, I don't think you actually want to date one.  I think you want someone who will either mistreat you or play by your rules only.  And that's not a real relationship.  At least, it's not one I want to be in.

 

I will always think about you and wonder how you are.  There will always be a spot in my heart for you.  But I can't play games (this silent treatment of yours) nor can I be with someone who is okay with hurting someone.  Had the roles been reversed this week, I would have done everything in my power to have worked it out.  I would have put your well-being first.  

 

We are all just people, with limitations.  And some can be accepted and looked over when you love someone.  I was willing to do that with you.  But not at the expense of losing myself.  

 

Also, when I asked for your address so that I could send you something, you would only give me your work address.  That's your choice, but it's another sign of paranoia, of distrust, and again, those are nails in the coffin of any relationship.  Also, one of my guy friends went online as a woman (not at my request, on his own) and finally told me last night that you and "she" had been chatting.  In fact, he sent me the chat.  You lied about where you lived and you lied about ever meeting anyone online.    It's hard to know whether your intentions were to be faithful to me.  I guess it doesn't matter now.

 

Good luck.  You are wonderful and talented.  Don't talk too badly about me to the next one.  I promise you the same.

 

Take care,

Lawgirl

 

Feeling more human

...but still a long way to go.

NETboy finally did talk a little, albeit through text, rather than calling. Now, I asked him several times to call me rather than text or IM, as you can't really communicate through those because you don't get the right tone or inflection. He still didn't do that. That bothers me, because that seems like a powerplay more than anything. Plus, I was really crying the 3 times I called and asked him to call me. So again, feels like a powerplay. Or just callousness.

NETboy is bipolar. I've dealt with this before. With my nephew, with eHarmony Guy, and now with NETboy. I think that this is an epidemic without an answer, honestly. Even when they take their medicine, they are still prone to paranoia. And then there are the mood swings. PMS has nothing on these.

I love NETboy and I can't imagine finding someone with whom I'm more compatible. We love the same movies, the same TV shows, the same music, we are compatible in the bedroom, we're both smart....

But the signs are still there. The paranoia has twice now caused issues. And I feel as though we play by his rules more than compromising while that's happening.

Today, I told him that I would give him his space and that I would wait and see what was happening. But how can I trust him? Bipolar disorder causes things like mood swings, pathological lying, and sexual promiscuity. We live far apart. How can I trust him? I did. Until this week. And now I'm not so sure. But for now, I'm willing to explore it.

BTW, this is not me opening this up to discussion, dear friends. This is me thinking out loud.

This is what NETboy should dedicate to me

By Hinder:

 

I think you can do much better than me
After all the lies I made you believe
Guilt kicks in and I start to see
The edge of the bed
Where your nightgown used to be
I told myself I wouldn't miss you
But I remembered
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me

While looking through your old box of notes
I found those pictures I took
That you were looking for
If there's one memory I don't want to lose
That time at the mall
You and me in the dressing room
I told myself I won't miss you
But I remembered
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me

The bed I'm lying in is getting colder
Wish I never would've said it's over
And I can't pretend that I won't think about you when I'm older
Cause we never really had our closure
This can't be the end
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
(And I think you should know this)
(You deserve much better than me)

Starting to think about things...

Well, I think I know one thing for sure.  NETboy is really good at the romance part of a relationship, but can't deal with the reality of it.  There will be hard times, there will be struggles, there will be disagreements.  While he's great at writing love songs, sending flowers, and naming a star after someone, he can't handle the real day-to-day life. 

 

That's why I'm not a romantic.  I stopped reading romance novels years ago, as I was frustrated when everyday life was so different.  Romance novels made you get your hopes up; reality was so far off. 

 

So, girls, I guess you should be glad that your men suck at sending flowers and all that other stuff.  They're probably much better at the day-to-day stuff.  And in the end, that's where the relationship is.  The fairy tale stuff is just fluff; it's the man who will stand by you when things get rough who is worth having. 

What Hurts the Most - Rascal Flatts

What Hurts The Most(Jeffrey Steele/Steve Robson)
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let ‘em out
I'm not afraid to cry
Every once in a while

Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and againI pretend
I'm ok, but that's not what gets me

What hurts the most was bein’ so close
And havin’ so much to say
And watching you walk awayAnd never knowin’ what could have been
And not seein’ that love in you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doin’ it
It's hard to force that smile when I see your old friends and I'm alone
Still harder
Gettin’ up, gettin’ dressed
Livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away
All the words that I say
In my heart that I left unspoken

What hurts the most was bein’ so close
And havin’ so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowin’ what could have been
And not seein’ that love in you
Is what I was tryin’ to do
OH..... Yeah....

What hurts the most was bein’ so close
And havin’ so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowin’ what could have been
And not seein’ that love in you
Is what I was tryin’ to do
( not seein’ that love in you)
That’s what I was trying to do

Well...

I made it until 12:30 before I had my first crying jag. Thank God the Computer Lab was free. The other problem is, since he was here in my office, it reminds me of him here, too. I haven't eaten in 24 hours either, so I'm guessing that's not helping. But I don't want anything. Hey, maybe I will at least lose weight out of the deal.

It Was - Chely Wright

I guess we guess our way through life
How many times do we really know for sure
I was just hoping for the best
Then I woke up in those lovin' arms of yours
What I felt was unmistakable
When I fell for you

It was real...it was magic
It was calm...it was savage
It was cool as a breeze
It was warm to the touch
It was never enough
It was always too much
It did all the things love does
That's how I knew
It was

Who thought that I could laugh so loud
Then turn around and cry so many tears
I used to have so many doubts
But one by one you made them disappear
What I found was unbelievable
But I believe it's true

It was real...it was magic
It was calm...it was savage
It was cool as a breeze
It was warm to the touch
It was never enough
It was always too much
It did all things love does
That's how I knew
It was

You a sked what I felt when you walked through the door
Was it fear?
Was it clear?
It was all that and more

It was real...it was magic
It was calm...it was savage
It was cool as a breeze
It was warm to the touch
It was never enough
It was always too much
It did all the things love does
That's how I knew
It was

It was
That's how I knew
It was
It was
It was

Ghost - Indigo Girls

there's a letter on the desktop
that i dug out of a drawer
the last truce we ever came to
in our adolescent war
and i start to feel the fever
from the warm air through the screen
you come regular like seasons
shadowing my dreams

and the mississippi's mighty
but it starts in minnesota
at a place that you could walk across
with five steps down
and i guess that's how you started
like a pinprick to my heart
but at this point you rush right through me
and i start to drown

and there's not enough room
in this world for my pain
signals cross and love gets lost
and time passed makes it plain
of all my demon spirits
i need you the most
i'm in love with your ghost
i'm in love with your ghost

dark and dangerous like a secret
that gets whispered in a hush
(don't tell a soul)
when i wake the things i dreamt about you
last night make me blush
(don't tell a soul)
and you kiss me like a lover
then you sting me like a viper
i go follow to the river
play your memory like a piper

and i feel it like a sickness
how this love is killing me
i'd walk into the fingers
of your fire willingly
and dance the edge of sanity
i've never been this close
i'm in love with your ghost

unknowing captor
you never know how much you
pierce my spirit
but i can't touch you
can you hear it
a cry to be free
oh i'm forever under lock and key
as you pass through me

now i see your face before me
i would launch a thousand ships
to bring your heart back to my island
as the sand beneath me slips
as i burn up in your presence
and i know now how it feels
to be weakened like achilles
with you always at my heels

this bitter pill i swallow
is the silence that i keep
it poisons me i can't swim free
the river is too deep
though i'm baptized by your touch
i am no worse than most
in love with your ghost

you are shadowing my dreams
(in love with your ghost)
(in love with your ghost)
(in love with your ghost)

words and music by emily saliers

He can't have ever loved me

Because if he had, he wouldn't have been able to ignore the messages I left where I could barely speak because I was crying.

Because if he had, he would try to work it out.

Because if he had, he wouldn't run away.

The flowers and the song were a nice touch. Guess he just wanted to get laid. As soon as I have the money, I'm sending him the money for the flowers. And I'm sending everything else back - the toothbrush he left, the powdered drink mix he left, the card fromt he flowers, the Christmas present, everything.

He can't have ever loved me. Because if he did, he would feel like I do right now.

Life Sucks

So, I have to go into work today one day after playing my special song for everyone. I have to now share that it's over and that apparently, we can't make it work. I swear to God, I will never date again, but if by some strange way I do, I am not telling anyone.

I'm so tired of being so judged. I'm so tired of being wrong. I'm so tired of being me.

Sadness

I think part of the reason I'm so sad is that we were so perfect for each other. Or so I thought. Where else could I possibly find a guy who loves horror movies, knows Bob & Tom personally, and writes such beautiful music? Nowhere. And that's why I'm not going to look. There's no point.

And...

I received his Christmas present. He named a star after me. Not just any star; one in the Pisces constellation, which is my birth sign. And he named it after his nickname for me, which I will not disclose here.

Amazingly enough, it can be returned, so I am sending it back to him. I don't want him to begrudge me that money.

Feelings

It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing

Hope life's been good to you
since you've been gone
I'm doin' fine now - I've finally moved on
It's not so bad - I'm not that sad

I'm not suprised just how well I've survived
I'm over the worst, and I feel so alive
I can't complain - I'm free again

Chorus:
And it only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So, I hold my breath - to forget

Don't think I'm lyin' 'round cryin' at night
There's no need to worry, I'm really all right
I've never looked back - as a matter of fact

Repeat Chorus

It only hurts when I breathe
Mmm, no, I've never looked back -as a matter of fact

Repeat Chorus
Hurts when I'm breathing
Breaks when it's beating
Die when I'm dreaming
It only hurts when I breathe

Written by Shania Twain and Mutt Lange.

Lawgirl, Queen of the Schmucks

Well, I've lost again. No more love, no more romance for Lawgirl.

I don't want to talk about it, and I'm going into seclusion (as much as I can with work and the holidays coming up.) Let's just say, I saw a beautiful future in front of me....and it was closed off again. I guess I'm not meant for love, not meant for relationships, not meant for that kind of stuff.

I've been crying for nearly 3 hours straight. I can't believe I still have moisture in my body.

My pleas for talking it out have gone unanswered. It's baggage from both of our pasts that is keeping us from going forward, but I think his is holding him back even more.

I can't make him talk to me. I have begged, pleaded and asked. It's not working. And my heart is broken.

I don't want anyone to contact me. Calls will go unanswered. I am shutting you out, because right now it hurts to just breathe. I can't take anything more right now. I'm too sad, too damaged, too hurt.

I may run away for New Year's. I have 5 days off. Don't be surprised if I do. I have a destination in mind.

All and any plans are canceled until further notice. I'm of no use to anyone right now.

They're writing songs of love, But not for me: A lucky star's above, But not for me. With love to lead the way, I've found more skies of gray Than any Russian play Could guarantee. I was a fool to fail! And get that way, Heigh ho! Alas! And also lackaday! Although I can't dismiss The mem'ry of his kiss... It started of so swell, This "let's pretend." It all began so well, But what an end! The climax of a plot, Should be the marriage knot, But there's no knot for me.

And I will never try again. My heart is closed.

Keep this in mind

I couldn't find the right story for this, but it's similar. The one I remember reading was an argument between two friends and the father made the one boy put nails in a fence and then take them out again to make the point. I'm not overly religious, but the point is the same.

We all bear scars. Scars from living, and scars from sin.
There once was a boy who had developed a habit of profanity. Nothing, it seemed, could remove this blight from his character. Regardless of multiple disciplinings, requests, or reasoning, he maintained his ways to the contrary of those wishing him to cease this behavior.
The boy loved working with his dad and spent many hours at his side on various projects. Periodically, though, it seemed, when things didn't go the way he thought they should, he would show his utter contempt and disrespect toward the situation by shouting his unacceptable language.
One weekend the boy and his father worked long hours and installed a new beautiful solid wood garage door. When they had finished, they stepped back admiring their work and together they were thankful to have the door they had waited for some time to acquire.
“I think it is the most beautiful garage door I have ever seen,” said the boy.
“Yes,” replied his father, “It is as beautiful as I have ever seen and hoped for, for our home.”
Time passed and the boy maintained the profanity. Then one morning at breakfast the father had a surprise for his son. As the boy was eating his food, the father pulled up a chair, and sitting down beside him, placed a hammer and a fist full of nails next to his son’s plate. Looking surprised the boy asked what they were for. Without hesitation, and in anticipation of his son's question, his father began telling him, once again, how much it hurt him to have him use profanity.
"'But what are the nails and hammer for?” asked the boy.
The only response the dad gave was, "You'll see. And by the way, leave these where we can get them easily.”
Even before the boy had finished his food, he began his profane ways. Immediately, the father told his son to grab a nail and the hammer and to follow him. Soon they were standing in front of their new garage door.
“You are very special to me,” said the dad, “and you are very talented and creative. This garage door is like you. It is very beautiful and has many attractive features. What we are here for, son, is for you to drive your first nail deep into the wood of this beautiful door.”
“Why should I do that,” said the boy with a worried look on his face.
“Each nail represents the ugliness of your profanity on your otherwise wonderful personality,” said the dad.
“But where should I drive the nail?” his son asked.
“Just as you choose your words,” said his father, “you must also choose where to drive this ugly nail into the door.”
And so the boy chose an out of the way place to set his first nail. Soon, however, there were nails driven in almost every section of the door.
One day the boy asked the father what he needed to do to be able to pull the nails out. “Each day you don't have to drive a new nail into the door,” said his dad “you may pull one out.”
Slowly, but steadily the boy began removing nails with more and more consistency. And one day all the nails had been removed from the door. The boy was proud of the fact that there were no more nails in the door and brought his father out to show him.
Standing there together, the father made a spiritual point. He said, “Son, I am proud of you for choosing not to use profanity any more. Each nail you removed was like a sin you have had forgiven. See, it is good to have all your sins forgiven.”
“It does feel good not to have any more nails in the door,” said the boy. Then he hesitated and said, “but look at all the holes they left in the wood.”
We all have holes in our wood. Some things cannot be undone, regardless of how we wish otherwise. However, we must realize that the consequences of our transgressions may and usually do have eternally catastrophic results. In a sense, it is a type of death.
To not sin in the first place is really the best choice we can make

Happiness comes of the capacity to feel deeply, to enjoy simply, to think freely, to risk life, to be needed. - Storm Jameson

I had the most wonderful weekend with NETboy. First off, he surprised me at the office on Friday. He was originally going to leave work at 4pm and then arrive at my apartment at 6:30, which is about the time I would get there. He im'd me at 3:45 and said that he was getting pulled into an unplanned meeting. He then im'd me again at 4:30pm and said that he was on his way.

After my boss left, I spoke with him on the phone a couple of times. We chatted back and forth. He started asking questions about the building in which I worked. Then the phone cut. Out of the corner of my eye I saw someone hovering in the doorway of my office. I walked out and there he was!! He had left work at 3:15 and talked his way past the front desk.

We left my van and work and drove back to my house. Just had a very nice time together. And he did give me my surprise. I was somewhat right about it; he did record a song which he wrote for me. However, it was so much more than that!! He had his famous sister sing it for me, and he played guitar on it (he plays all instruments), plus they had her backup band and singers on it. It sounds great!! It's the one he calls my theme song.

How many girls an say, well, my boyfriend wrote me a song and recorded it professionally, with his famous sister singing it? Wow!!!!!

The rest of the weekend, we ran errands together and talked about our future. With NETboy earning X times the amount I do, it makes more sense for me to move to Cleveland when I get done with my lease here than it does for him to come back to Columbus. Of course, I will miss my friends terribly, but we're still in the same state. I told him that I wanted to make sure that whatever place we get, it has at least one guest room so that friends and family can come and visit.

Oh, and because he knew I was short. HE gave ME a little money to get through the week. How about that????? Not that I expected or wanted him to, but he insisted.

So, we'll see. We still have 4 more months until my lease is up here. But the way that things are going, I'm feeling as though this time, it's right.

There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval. - George Santayana

I lost a friend today. Nicole was someone who, actually, I couldn't stand when she started working at my company. But over time, I came to really like her and we became friends. I ended up being her boss for a little while. During that time, her stepbrother committed suicide. The night it happened, I woke up from a bad dream and I happened to check my email. She had sent me one, telling me about her brother. I went to the funeral. And from that time on, our friendship was cemented.

Nicole's life was not an easy one. Her mother had committed suicide when she was 10. Her father had remarried and there were issues between her and her stepmom. Sometimes, she lived with her grandmother. However, she was mostly a cheery person. She had the courage to follow her dream, which was to move to Florida and start a new life. She and another co-worker moved down there together a few years ago. Whenever she came back up to visit family, she tried to see a few of us. She was happy.

I hadn't had a chance....well, I hadn't made the time to email much recently. I've been wrapped up in my own life. Things were going well for her. I believe that she had a new man in her life. Today was her 35th birthday and I was going to email or call her.

A rumor spread through some folks that she had passed today. I couldn't believe it; it was so wrong that it had to be a bad joke about her because of her birthday. I called her cell phone. She didn't answer; someone else did. I identified myself and I heard someone ask if it was Lawgirl. I said yes. Kelli, the other former employee got on the phone. And I knew that it was real.

Nicole had knee surgery last week; she threw a clot yesterday. She flatlined 4 times and the doctors brought her back each time. But it was too much for her poor brain. When her family arrived at 10 am this morning, the EEG revealed that she was brain-dead. So, they made the decision to remove life support.

There's something poetic about going out on the day you came in. But she was so young. On the other hand, she did realize many dreams: going to school and graduating with a Bachelor's degree, getting her teeth straightened, moving to Florida, falling in love. One couldn't ask for more, except for time.

And that's why I implore all of you: You never, ever know when it's your last time you are going to see someone. Tell them, please, tell them how much you care for them. Don't wait to say something that needs to be said. You may never get another chance. Well, that's not completely true. Next week, when they bring Nicole back for her funeral and burial, I'll be there. And I'm sure, there will be things that were left unsaid by many, things that will be thought of, as we say goodbye.

He is soooo perfect

NETboy is what I am going to call my new love, as he is a .NET programmer.

First of all, he is coming to visit tomorrow. Cannot wait. He is leaving work early. He even talked his boss out of making him go to an EA Games event so that he could get here when I get off of work.

Second of all, he's bringing my surprise, which I think is the recording of the songs he's written. But, that is not my Christmas present. No, my present is something that took him 4 days to find and then have it created. Also, he says it's something that the world considers permanent. I get that next week. It will be delivered to my house and then I'm to call him and he will explain what inspired it.

Next, his company has season tix to the Cavaliers and he wants me to go with him. When I go up there, we'll have to get a hotel room, because women aren't allowed at his house (there are 4 men sharing the house and they have a no estrogen rule). I said, I'll pay for it, and he said, no, I make more than you do, I will and I will also reimburse you for the gas. Soooo different than the Sergeant.

And last, but certainly not least.....he loves horror movies!!!!! So do I!!!!!! They're my favorite kind of movie.

God, I so lucked out.

I knew this was different when...

....he drove 2.5 hours to spend 3 hours with me

....we fought and then he approached me first to make up. And right there, right then, I didn't care who was right or wrong, I just wanted "us" to be right.

...he sent me flowers just for being me and to let me know he was thinking of me.

...he's written me a ton of songs

....I don't mind him being romantic with me. I am not usually a romantic, but he makes me into one.

....he drove 10 hours this past weekend to work on a surprise for me.

....he actually knows what I do for a living.

....he knows what I would rather do for a living and has come up with ideas to help me achieve that.

....he listens to what I say. He asks how my day is and really cares.

....he shares his life with me. He doesn't just tell me his day was fine; he goes into detail.

....he calls me every morning to wish me a good day

....he texts me all day and calls me, too

....he tells me I'm beautiful.

....even though I miss him (as he lives in Cleveland), I know that the distance is forcing us to go slow and I'm glad, because I don't want to mess this one up.

Update about The Sergeant

Well, he definitely has stomach cancer, but it's only stage 2, which has a 100% survivor rate. He starts chemo next week. I told him that if he needed to stay with me here and there he could. His only bathroom in his place is upstairs. He sleeps on the couch in his living room, so he can't just sleep up there and then walk across the hall to throw up.

Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.

- William Dement

 

I had the strangest dreams last night, though the themes were repeats of a lot of dreams I've had recently.  I'm always out in the country somewhere, near a river, which is where I spent a great deal of my youth.

 

Last night's dream started on the water.  I was dreaming that I was walking in knee deep river water, trying to get away from someone or something.  Friends were following behind me.  Then I finally made shore.  There was a little blonde boy there.  He seemed scared.  I tried to talk to him, but then his face changed and it looked like a demon's face.  He told me that he was going to trap me with the chain he was pulling.  The chain had barbs sticking out of it.  He went to whip it around me.  I moved quickly and just got out of the way, but my friends were trapped.

 

I ran through the woods and went to my father's house. He was married to a new woman and had new children.  I didn't want to scare them, so I didn't tell them what was going. I thought I was safe.  I would look out the window, and see that little boy coming toward the house.  I was grateful for the fence that we had, thinking it would keep all of the bad out. 

Today's Chimp-o-Matic Gem

Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country. --George w. Bush Poplar Bluff, MO 09/06/2004